What is the role of the homemaker in later years?

An email came from a US reader, Abby, who asked about being a homemaker in later years. This is part of what she wrote:

"I am a stay-at-home mum to 4 children, ages 9-16. I do have a variety of "odd jobs" that I enjoy - I run a small "before-school" morning drop-off daycare from my home, I am a writing tutor, and I work a few hours a week at a local children's bookstore. But mostly, I cherish my blissful days at home - cooking, cleaning (with homemade cleaners), taking care of our children and chickens and goats, baking, meal-planning, etc. This "career" at home is not at all what I imagined during my ambitious years at university, but it is far more enriching. I notice, though, that my day is often planned around the needs of my family members. Of course, with 4 active kids and a husband, this is natural. I do the shopping, plan my meals, cook dinner - generally in anticipation of my family reconnecting in the evening. 

I can't help but wonder, though, whether this feeling of purposefulness and satisfaction might ebb after the children leave the nest. When I don't have hungry teenagers bursting through the door in the afternoon, or when I don't have to feed 6 people on a modest grocery budget - will I still feel the same sense of gratification? My own mum is 67, and she continues to work 3 days a week as an educational consultant. ...  My father is quite a bit older than she is, and he is starting to slow down a bit now ... 

I sometimes put myself in her place, and wonder about what life will be like for me when I reach that stage of life. Will I regret not having built more of a world for myself outside of the home? Will it seem too solitary, once the hustle and bustle of child-rearing is over? Though it is not pleasant to think of, what would it be like to live this life as a widow? You are such an inspiration to me, because you have clearly made this transition and it has been a very satisfying one for you. I would be so curious to see this topic discussed further, though. What is the role of the homemaker in the later years?"

Dear Abby,

We would not be human if we didn't have those "what if ..." days. Doubts make us think, and that is a good thing. Those feelings of purposefulness and satisfaction aren't felt only because you're looking after your children and pouring your heart and soul into it, they're there because of the life you're living and knowing what you're doing is worthwhile. You and your husband have formed a team so that you can all live a life full of purpose. That doesn't stop because the children grow up and leave home.

Homemakers have more than one stage of life. You've already gone through the baby and toddler stage as well as the small child stage, now you're moving into the stage where they are more independent and start to make their own decisions. Life goes on after they leave home and the satisfaction then comes developing your own interests, in seeing your children succeed in their work and maybe going on to form meaningful relationships and having their own children. You will not lose your purpose when the children leave. Your role changes, you move into the next stage.

While I was sad to see my boys go, it also gave me an enormous sense of satisfaction to see them out there functioning well on their own.  They remembered most of what we taught them, they transitioned from young men to adults and when they met their "girls", we were there to welcome them into our hearts and family. All the things you're teaching your children now is preparing them to leave you. And while that can be bitter-sweet it can also be liberating and enriching.

It will be at least ten years into the future when your last child might leave home. No one can tell what their life will be like next week, let alone in ten years. But I want you to know that your life isn't just about your children, your husband or your home. It also involves your community, your interests, your extended family and your friends. You are more than a parent, you're more than a wife, you're more than a daughter, you're more than all the single things you think you are. You're a complex mix of all of those parts and who knows what you're capable of. If someone had told me ten years ago that I'd be doing what I'm doing now, I would have thought them crazy. Life has a way of winding and twisting and no one can tell where it will go.

So what is the role of the homemaker in the later years? I think it is the time when you relax a bit. You sit back and see that what you've been doing in those first 20 or 25 years has been worthwhile and produced people who have moved into the wider community to be good citizens, to work hard and to play their part in the world, whatever that may be. You work on developing a new relationship with your husband that is more about the two of you. Maybe you travel a bit. Maybe you become a gardener or a mentor or a grandma. Who knows.

Just keep doing your best and enjoying what you do. Explore your interests, develop yourself, evolve, thrive, enjoy your friends and don't start dreading what might come later. I can only encourage you to become the best, most authentic you, you can be and hopefully, with that, you'll enjoy and appreciate whatever happens later in life.