I read a wonderful post over at innerpickle on Saturday and it kept returning to me during the day. I love writing that makes me think and the question innerpickle posed to me was "what changed you?" I guess you could argue that everything changes you and certainly I am changed in subtle ways every day. So what, of the hundreds of things I do every day - which of those have made me a different person. Here is my list ...
Living in my home has changed me more than anything else in recent years. I don't mean just having this house as my address, I mean that I spend my time here, I work here, I give it my attention and energy. Home is where I feel comfortable and safe. I have tried to turn my home onto a productive space. I think about what I used to buy, and have taught myself enough to cut down on groceries, clothes and furnishings and make a lot of it instead. I also think in my home. I spend time every day thinking about what I'm doing, and that process slowed me down to notice the beauty of domestic life.
Being married changed me. I knew when I married that it would be a once only thing. For me, divorce was not an option. I knew that on day one, I know it now. And it's for no particular reason other than when I said "I do", I meant it. And I chose well, I knew that before the "I do". We have had our ups and downs but the certainty of this marriage was not a burden, it gave me confidence and a sure and steady path. When I had doubts about so many other things, I always had that certainty. I know that all my decisions incorporate two, they don't mean just me, and sometimes that means a compromise. Those compromises changed me too. I'm not saying that Hanno and I were joined at the hip, we're both very independent people, but our commitment is absolute and that made all the difference.
But the thing that changed me more than anything else was being a mother to Shane and Kerry. I didn't think it would. I thought it would be just another stage in life but the changes it brought me were the most powerful and significant. I knew that when my sons did certain things so that I would be proud of them that I had to do that for them too. I knew I had to be a good role model and if I wanted them to be generous, kind, tender, self confident, smart and independent, that I had to be as well. That changed me from being self-indulgent and selfish to something more open and accepting. It matured me. I guess it was my, and our, most important work - to show those two beautiful boys how to be good and decent men. It certainly was the most difficult of my changes but also the most joyous and enriching.
There are many other important changes that I could write about. Changes that were alarming and overwhelming as well as tiny subtle changes that only I know about. I know for sure that change is a healthy part of life and sometimes what you believe to be a positive change, or a negative, turns out to be the opposite. It is interesting for me now at this later stage of life to look back and sort the wheat from the chaff. But now I'm interested in what changed you?
Being married changed me. I knew when I married that it would be a once only thing. For me, divorce was not an option. I knew that on day one, I know it now. And it's for no particular reason other than when I said "I do", I meant it. And I chose well, I knew that before the "I do". We have had our ups and downs but the certainty of this marriage was not a burden, it gave me confidence and a sure and steady path. When I had doubts about so many other things, I always had that certainty. I know that all my decisions incorporate two, they don't mean just me, and sometimes that means a compromise. Those compromises changed me too. I'm not saying that Hanno and I were joined at the hip, we're both very independent people, but our commitment is absolute and that made all the difference.
But the thing that changed me more than anything else was being a mother to Shane and Kerry. I didn't think it would. I thought it would be just another stage in life but the changes it brought me were the most powerful and significant. I knew that when my sons did certain things so that I would be proud of them that I had to do that for them too. I knew I had to be a good role model and if I wanted them to be generous, kind, tender, self confident, smart and independent, that I had to be as well. That changed me from being self-indulgent and selfish to something more open and accepting. It matured me. I guess it was my, and our, most important work - to show those two beautiful boys how to be good and decent men. It certainly was the most difficult of my changes but also the most joyous and enriching.
There are many other important changes that I could write about. Changes that were alarming and overwhelming as well as tiny subtle changes that only I know about. I know for sure that change is a healthy part of life and sometimes what you believe to be a positive change, or a negative, turns out to be the opposite. It is interesting for me now at this later stage of life to look back and sort the wheat from the chaff. But now I'm interested in what changed you?
