Supporting others in their choices

Kerry took Sunny back to hospital last night about 10pm.  Our beautiful Sunny has laboured all through the night and has received some pain relief in the form of an epi-dural.   Kerry rang at 4am, an hour ago, to tell us the midwife is happy with her progress and expects the baby to be born in the next few hours.  :- )

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Yesterday I wrote: There are many ways to go through life but I believe one of the best ways is for one partner to earn money while the other partner manages that money....  And this: If I were a young newly married woman now, I would dive into my new career of being a homemaker.  But what happens when you are a single parent or if your circumstances require you both work?  I have been on both sides of this.  I worked as a nurse and a writer almost all my life, although when my children were young I was in the fortunate position of being able to work from home. I wanted to be there for them, especially when they were younger.  They needed guidance and a helping hand, whether they knew that or not.  I wanted to shape the people my children became and I was not going to leave it up to their friends or their friends' parents. Hanno and I were the main people in their lives and I believe they benefited from that.  I look at them now and feel intense pride for the men they became.

I know what it feels like to work outside the home and in it.  I have been in the position of having to pick up a pizza on the way home for dinner that night, I've cut corners, left beds unmade, fed my family packet macaroni and cheese and a whole lot of other things that I remember well and I'm not particularly proud of.  However, I'm not hard on myself.   I accept that I did what I could each day and I know that when I could do better, I did.  I feel regret for some decisions I made but I don't feel guilt.  I know I'm far from perfect and if I made mistakes in the past, I hope that I can make up for some of it by talking candidly about our lives now and guiding others, relying on my past experience. I know a lot of you think I'm the bee's knees but I'm just an ordinary woman who has learned from my mistakes and now have the opportunity to put things right, and to write about it.

Okay, now we know where we stand. I have been on both sides of the working debate and  I am not a saint.  One thing I can say though is that I have never criticised any women for the life choices they made.  I know, without doubt, that now I am living the way I am meant to live and I encourage everyone who can make similar changes to do so.  But not everyone can. Most of us just do what we think is right and what we have to do to get by and when we see an opportunity to change, we do.

Nothing excuses any woman who stands in judgement on another's choices.  If any of your friends criticise you for  working in your home, I hope you tell them you enjoy your life, you are doing what is right for you and your family and that you expect support from a friend, not disapproval and criticism.  If one for your friends told you she had a new job as a nurse, journalist or sales person, you would not criticise that choice, you would congratulate her.  Expect the same for yourself, and if you don't get it, that person is not a true friend.  

It seems to me that some women have this slinging match over who has the higher ground.  Don't go there, you're better than that.  Support other women, and expect support back from them.  It is not acceptable to criticise anyone for not going out to work, or for going out to work and neglecting their house work.  It's stupid and mean.  Be the friend you hope to find.  Be the woman/man you want your daughter/son to be.  I don't understand where the guilt comes from.  Some women have to work and feel guilty for not being at home with their children and not keeping their home as they would like it.  Other women feel guilty for staying at home and not helping with the family finances.  And some women are made to feel guilt when they're criticised for the choice they made - either to work outside the home, or at home.

A couple of ladies have asked how to answer the "what do you do?"- type questions. We should all start from a position of grace and respect.  When I'm asked, I always presume they want to know the truth, so I tell them about making pure soap or the most delicious bread in the world or that we just dug our latest crop of organic potatoes or that I just put up the summer tomatoes or some peaches - and how doing those things makes me feel.  I usually tell them I have a very good recipe for laundry liquid/orange cake/slow cooked italian beef casserole and ask if they would they like me to write it down for them.  Even if the "what do you do" question was not asked with the best of intentions, sharing helps break down those barriers and shows an open heart.

I know there are many readers here who are homemakers, many who work outside the home, and some who combine both.  I have respect for everyone who, like me, is doing their best and working towards a better future, no matter where their workplace is.  Mutual respect and acceptance will go a long way  towards creating caring communities for us all to live in, so when you are asked about what you do, be ready to smile and write out a recipe.  Generosity is sometimes contagious.