Another email has me writing today about homemaking. It's popular topic here, mainly because it is valued, but also, I believe, because there are too few mentors around who will guide and encourage young people towards a domestic apprenticeship. Those young people, and some who are older, are looking for guidance. The skills of homemaking are seen as menial and not worth much, and often women who work at home, raising children, baking, sewing and cooking are ridiculed as being old fashioned, lazy or "just a housewife". That is a narrow view of what housekeeping is because if you let it, your home will transform you and is capable of giving you the power and confidence to do anything.
The email comes from a reader in the UK, I'll call her Kate, who says in part:
"Of course, I have plenty of things to do around here and gardening is one of my passions. But I didn't want to be "just a housewife" or "spend my days cleaning". The only role models I have are a couple of other mothers, one of whom employs a cleaner and the other whose chief occupation seems to be acquiring status symbols.
Now, of course, I have discovered you! You seem like a heaven-sent mentor and I love your views on being a homemaker and how it is a viable, creative, fulfilling occupation. Young women, I think, find it harder to embrace this role as their peers can sneer. However, I now feel this is a way I can contribute as much as my husband to the home and I'm very excited!
I appreciate you receive many emails and are very busy (hopefully cuddling a newborn!) but if you do have time to reply I'd like to know if you would still live this life if you had a large family? One loaf of homemade bread lasts ten minutes so I feel a bit daunted at how I would be able to keep up with all these young appetites/soap making etc. Or do you think it's doable, no matter the size of family?" (Kate also says in the email she is the mother of five children and the youngest has just started school.)
Yes, she gets it! Housewifing, homemaking, SAHM, WAHM, or whatever you care to call it can be a rewarding career that will help you to contribute as much to your home as your partner does. Of course, it's not a competition but everyone wants to feel their time is being spent in a worthwhile way and that what they do is indispensable, appreciated, important and meaningful. Women want to make a significant contribution to their families and when they do, they feel valued and confident. There are many ways to go through life but I believe one of the best ways is for one partner to earn money while the other partner manages that money to enable the family to spend less than they earn. No matter what the income is, spending less than you earn is the key.
So how do you get to that place of feeling like your work in your home is important and that it makes a difference? You have to take charge of it, you need to identify what it is you need to do, and then carry out those tasks to the best of your ability. When people feel they're in control and are making a contribution, they do their best work. And when you're raising children, it is in everyone's interests - yours, mine, the community's, that you do your best work. Children raised well will make our future brighter. We need to raise givers and doers, not takers and layabouts, our countries depend on it.
I guess you could go two ways. You could see housework as dull and dreary, do as little of it as possible, complain that you're bored, watch TV or play on the computer all day, then open a packet of something for dinner and wonder why life has let you down. Or you could do what I would do. If I were a young newly married woman now, I would dive into my new career of being a homemaker. I would establish a budget and take over every financial transaction relating to the home. I would challenge myself to get the best value for every one of my dollars/pounds spent. I would talk to my partner about future children, a future home and work out, with him, how we would work towards what we both wanted. We would have many deep and meaningful conversations, we would write down our goals, and then we would both work towards them; him by going out and earning a a wage and me by using that money wisely and by creating the best home possible within the boundaries of my budget.
I would buy the best quality we could afford, I'd learn how to cook from scratch as well as how to make and preserve jams, sauces, relish and fruit, I'd learn how to make a good loaf of bread and try to keep out as many preservatives and artificial colours and flavours out of our food. I would do that because I would have identified that keeping the family in good health can often come down to the simple things like preparing wholesome, unprocessed food.
If you take on any job and believe when you're told that it will be boring, tedious and difficult, you can either believe that, or you can question the motivation behind such statements and find out for yourself. I prefer to believe that anything I spend my time on, particularly when it involves my family, has the potential to be enriching and meaningful. If you're just starting out, or coming to this way of life a bit later, I encourage you to dive right into your job as if it's a struggling small business that will evolve into a great success if you understand what you're doing, put time in to skill yourself and work hard. Once you take that challenge it will give you many wonderful reasons to get up every morning and the more things you want to do, the more you teach yourself, the better you'll feel about homemaking and yourself. You'll realise then that women make most of the buying decisions in the home and that gives you the power of the dollar/pound. Use it. If you don't like the service you receive, if the goods you buy are faulty or inferior, complain. When we're assertive, shopkeepers listen. They're not stocking an ingredient you need? Ask for it. Shopping is best done with a happy mindset, it's not an exercise of walking behind a trolley picking up products and dropping them in. It's much more involved and active than that. Read labels, know what you're buying, ask, know your products and where to get the best deals. Shopping is our battlefield. We want good quality and the best value for our money, the shopkeepers want you to take what is in the shop at the advertised price. Sometimes getting what you want takes time and it might involve changing the way you shop.
And in answer to Kate's question, yes, if I had a large family, I would live like this. I think my children would be happier and I believe it to be the best way to live. Not just as a retired couple, but from the time you walk through the door of your first home as a committed couple. If you're making bread for a large family, you'd make 5 - 10 loaves at a time, then freeze some. On the days you don't bake bread, you might bake biscuits/cookies, muffins, cakes or scones for snacks to supplement the large bowl of fruit on the bench. Soap making takes less than an hour and the soap lasts for a couple of months. Making your own cleaning products doesn't take any time at all, the cleaning takes the same amount of time but with a large family you'll do it more frequently. You'll be doing your laundry in the same way to everyone else, but you'd make your own laundry liquid (it takes less than 30 minutes to make enough for several months), and you'd be hanging the washing on a line instead of using a dryer. It's much cheaper and healthier, to cook from scratch for a large family because there are so many crock pot/roast/casserole/soup recipes out there and you aren't relying on packets of soup or convenience foods to feed them. I'm sure there are many readers with a large family, please chip in here and help Kate understand how a large family works.
And don't forget to model the behaviour you want to see in your children. Not just today or tomorrow afternoon, but all the time. As you go about your everyday work, your children are watching and learning how to be when they're older. If you want them to cook and bake, show them that you do it and teach them how to. Let them help you while they're young. Show them how to make their beds, put their toys away, take their dirty clothes to the laundry, feed the dog, put away dishes, sew on a button, how to repair a ripped shirt, mow the lawn, plant seeds, water the garden, clean the car, clean their shoes, watch over their siblings and to be a good citizen. Everyone of those things will enable them grow in confidence, help them as they grow and help you in your daily work.
Don't listen to anyone who wants to put you down, no matter what you're doing. If you have friends who demean you, tell them it hurts you and you would like them to respect your lifestyle choice. If they don't, walk away, they're not friends. Believe in yourself, know that homemaking is a valuable way to spend your time, and do your best. What you do in your home will improve your quality of life, even in the most humble home. It's a great investment in your family's future and one you can be proud of. Those "friends" who say housework is dull don't understand its potential. It not a series of mind numbing chores, it's active and enriching work that helps a family be their best. Sure, you'll have days when you wished you could leave it all behind but from my experience, those days are far outnumbered by beautiful days that make you realise there is no better way to live.
ADDITION: 7.30 am, Sunny and Kerry have just gone to hospital for the birth. :- )
10.00 am, Sunny is in very early labour. They were given the opportunity to wait at home so they've gone back home in the hope that Sunny can rest. She's been awake since 3am. They have hourly checks to do and instructions on when to return to the hospital, which is only 10 minutes away.
Thank you all for your good wishes for them.
ADDITION: 7.30 am, Sunny and Kerry have just gone to hospital for the birth. :- )
10.00 am, Sunny is in very early labour. They were given the opportunity to wait at home so they've gone back home in the hope that Sunny can rest. She's been awake since 3am. They have hourly checks to do and instructions on when to return to the hospital, which is only 10 minutes away.
Thank you all for your good wishes for them.
