15 December 2011

The death of a reader's son

There will be some readers who'll prefer not to read today's post. You can see by the title what it's about. But I am writing for a reader who needs our help at this time. The fact that it's Christmas and everyone is full of joy is irrelevant. We are real people living real lives and when a world collapses, it is healthy to reach out and connect. If you only want to read about simplifying, please stop reading now and come back tomorrow.

This is part of an email I received a few days ago from "Amy", a regular reader:

" ... We have only 5 weeks ago lost our amazing, precious and most darling 26 year old son...Rhonda if I told you he was an angel who walked this earth I would not be exaggerating one bit. If at some time could you please just mention your thoughts on children who leave before their parents...I know it's not in line with your blog....but I would dearly love to hear just a few words from you....as you ALWAYS make sense, your life is about compassion and I just know that everything you say is true. With Christmas upon us it is probably not the time anyway to be anything but full of joy. I have been going to grief counselling only so that I can show my girls who are 15 and 16 and another who is 27 and married with a darling little 2 year old how to grieve in a healthy way. Through my torment and agony I have to show the girls that we will get through this. But, oh Rhonda, the pain... "

I have no idea what this would feel like. Can you help someone if you don't understand the depth of their pain? I know I would cope with almost everything that might happen to me but the one thing that would wipe me out would be if anything happened to my children, or my grandchildren. I would not get over that. The first thing I did when I read this email was to read it to Hanno and to ask his advice. I don't tell you everything about us, but Hanno said it's okay to share his story if it's going to help someone. Two children from Hanno's first marriage died. A son at age two and a daughter at age six, both died from unusual and unrelated diseases. Hanno said you never get over it, you just learn to live with it. "Sometimes, when you've been making progress, a memory or a smell will take you back, you remember and you're back to zero again. That never stops."

I have a big problems with that word "closure". It seems to me that all of a sudden people started saying it in relation to death and grief. I thought it was a made up "Oprah" word but I just looked up my Webster's American Dictionary and it's in there. I'm sure their meaning is closure as in a door or window but it's there none the less. I don't think there is closure and it's absurd to think there would be. How can you close off that part of your life when it is the one thing you think of every day, the one thing you want to remember every second of, even though it causes you more pain than any thing you could imagine. Why would you want closure? It beats me. 

I think that counselling is good; talking to friends is good but often friends are trepidacious and don't want to bring up the subject thinking it might make things worse. I think when that happens, when the talking stops, when the person who died is not mentioned for fear of upsetting someone, those who are grieving the most feel their loved one is being forgotten. Talking makes a difference. Even this post will play a small part. It's recognising that a wonderful son, a young man who died young, is not here now and his life's promise was played out far too soon. His family and particularly his mother and father are devastated but all of us lose when this happens. We need good people.

There is another woman here who has gone through this pain herself with her daughter about the same age as this young man and I wonder if she would email me so I can connect her to Amy. There is some good in sharing grief but the sharing is best done with someone who has experienced it. Raw pain needs to meet raw pain - there is no half way mark with this kind of grief.

Hanno is right, I am sure of that. You never get over the death of a child. Parents aren't supposed to outlive their children and when it happens, you have to question if anything can be right again. My mum died 18 years ago but it seems like it was yesterday. I miss her so much and if someone were to offer me a million dollars or five minutes with my mother, I'd take that five minutes in an instant. I will never get over her death but I now know how to live with it. I do it by honouring the person she was, and wanted me to be, I do it by emulating her example. She was a very generous and open hearted women. I try to follow in her footsteps. Sometimes I step in them, sometimes I fail but the doing of this has helped me live without her.

I started writing this post yesterday afternoon and sent Amy an email asking if it was okay to share her story in the post. At this point in my post I received this reply from her: "Today has been the same, I need to really pull something out of my being to keep on, to make the bed, to wash the floors, to do a little cooking, but I say often to myself that I have to stay the person that my son knew and loved, I can't let that person slip away...in his honour." Amy, that is exactly what you need to do. Keep doing the practical things that gave structure to your days in the past. If there are days when you can't manage it, that's fine; rest on those days, or go out somewhere with the family, or alone. That is how I am dealing with my mother's death. It is the only way that makes sense to me.

If anyone tells you you need closure, don't listen to them. This is your son! You have to feel the pain. there is no closure. There is only you honouring the memory of him, being the mother he knew and staying true to that. There will be days when that will be easier than others. We live in a society that fears death and many people don't like talking about it. But it's the one true thing we all share. Don't let anyone sanitise your son's death, feel the pain, remember him, honour him by living well and true. One day there will come a time when the pain isn't as sharp. One day there will be the beginnings of acceptance. One day you'll be surprised by peace. I doubt there will ever be a time when you remember him without sadness and yearning but there is life to be lived. You have to do that for your daughters, and for him. He would want it. You need it.

Hanno and I send our sincere condolences to you and your family. I have no doubt there will be many readers who will do the same. There may be some who will share how they have coped with the death of a son or daughter. I hope this has given you some sort of comfort. I will be thinking of you in the days ahead and will stay in touch.



  1. One of my dear friend's sons just committed suicide last Sunday. He was only 21 years old. I wrote a post about it that will be posted tonight but it is so hard to know what to say....They will grieve his death the rest of their life. He had an incredible family and friends. Suicide...wow....hard to understand...His mommy's heart is broken. This was a timely post. Thank you, Rhonda.

  2. We lost a dear daughter 14 years ago, she was 25,it was the eleventh of December,so xmas was cancelled that year,and has been quite difficult since.We think of her every day with love and wouldn't ever want to forget her, she is still a big part of our family,her brother and sister talk about her often,but now there is not quite so much pain,just lovely memories.

  3. I'm sure I'm not the only one sat reading this with tears in my eyes. I cannot begin to imagine the savage pain that losing one of your children would unleash. I can only say to Amy that you are not alone in your grief, as this has reached out and touched every one of us who has just read of your son's death. The pain you feel is not something which one day will be gone when you wake up, but I hope that it will be, in time, something you can cope with, and that every memory you have of your son will keep him alive in your heart.

    Rhonda - you and Hanno have given such compassionate advice and I hope that it helps Amy now, when she feels as if she is being torn apart inside.

  4. I lost my 26 yr old son 6 years ago... and some days it seems like yesterday. Hanno is right, that some 'triggers' send you back to zero and the grief is right there.

    But, 6 years out I can say, that time heals. I can remember, and can talk about my son and his life without weeping.(mostly) I can celebrate his life!

    Amy, give yourself time to grieve, and take good care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. At five weeks you are hardly past the numbness of shock! Do not think you have to be 'strong' for your family, as they need to grieve too, and will follow your lead. Cling to your faith, family, and friends. I will be praying for you this season.

  5. Rhonda,

    14 years ago December 20th our youngest child passed away...Hanno is very right on the memories. A smell, a day, anything can trigger something in you and your mourning all over again. Each episode is easier, but still hard. Every year from thanksgiving to Jan 1st I push myself through taking each day as it comes and try my hardest to keep that smile on my face and Christmas cheer going for my children. If I could I would ignor all the cheer going on around me and just close up for that time, but I can't. I miss him dearly and wish I could see him grow up like his siblings.

    Its ok to grieve, its ok to talk about him and keep him a focus for us. That is how we have survived we don't forget that he was apart of our family and we talk openly about our grief, struggles, and him. We also excepted that each of us grieved in our own way, and worked through it together.

    A couple we knew years ago had a son die suddenly and they turned on each other and slowly destroyed their marriage. He would not except her grieving and the way she grieved and he bottled it all up and wouldn't cry or talk about it and she ignored him. You need to accept each others way of grieving and then hold on, talk about your grief with each other,get angry its ok its natural and then find joy in your loved ones life remember them and love the time you were given with them. Talk about them, talk to them if it helps, write them letters. I wrote long letters to our son and it helped a lot. The grief will always be with us, but the sharpness of the pain has dulled with time though its still there and jumps out at unexpected times.


  6. Dear Amy, I am so sorry to hear about your son. I can't imagine the pain you are going through. If you have good friends, lean on them when you need to. They will cope and sometimes if we are too private people won't want to intrude. My thoughts are with you and your family.

  7. Amy, my deepest sympathy to you and your family! My uncle lost his wife 15 years ago, and is now dying from alcohol-induced liver disease. He turned his back on the family left to him, and gave up on life. One death has become two, and every time I see him, all I can think of is how very very mad my aunt would be could she see what has become of him.
    Don't give up on life and love.
    There is a beautiful song that has helped others losing loved ones. Perhaps it will offer some small comfort to you: "Held" by Natalie Grant. Peace to you. -Erin in US

  8. This post brought tears to my eyes but at the same time I felt a certain gladness that Amy was able to speak to you so frankly about her precious son. Kind words of support and understanding are priceless even when they come from someone you have never met in person. I think much of what you say is true... There will always be moments when you think you are doing well and a memory suddenly floors you, that's hard but keep talking Amy and remembering.

  9. Dear Amy, I don't have children myself so I cannot begin to understand the extend of your pain. I wish you and your family much strength and love, and that time may bring you some measure of healing.
    Thank you, Rhonda, for this thoughtful post. You do have the gift of finding the right words.


  10. Dear Rhonda,

    This post will be such a blessing to others in need, thank you for sharing Amy's story. i will keep her and her family in my prayers.


  11. Dearest Amy my thoughts go out to you and all your family and I know there is nothing I can say that can take away your pain. Being human can hold so much joy but also so much pain. But your son was loved and loved you in return and that is a beautiful thing. May you all find peace through talking to each other of your feelings as grieving takes on many forms and in that way you can support each other too .. Blessings Pammie

  12. I grieve with this mother...not because I've been there, but because I fear it. I think most of us do. Praying peace and days where the joy sneaks back in. Praying for moments that thinking of him makes you smile and that the tears bring healing. There is no question about it, you'll never forget him...you wouldn't want to.

  13. I'm so thankful that Amy has been able to talk so openly to you Rhonda, and that you have offered friendship and kindness. Openness, and the ability to be frank about pain and grief is so important.

    Amy, please know that I, along with others are standing with you, and care very much about you.

    Love and prayers, Tina

  14. My heart goes out to Amy and her family and to anyone else who has lost a child. Be kind to yourself Amy. It is going to take time to learn to live with this. Sending lots of love and thoughts to you and your family. xxoo

  15. Amy, I agree with what Becky K said - this is a fear of mine that I have a hard time facing. We will be thinking of you and your family during this difficult holiday season, and sending prayers and angels to help lighten your load when they can.

    Thanks, Rhonda, for posting this. Sometimes I find when a grief is known to be shared, there is some consolation.

  16. So very sad, My thoughts go out to you Amy.And such loving Kind words from you Rhonda.Our little grand daughter died earlier this year. Although we grieve for the little one our sadness is for her mum and dad. But she is talked about all the time and I think that helps.

  17. Amy, I'm sending my sincere sympathy to you... 7 years ago my first child died only 1 week after birth and I can tell you - Rhonda is right saying that you can never get over it, you just learn to live with it. I've learned to live with it, however there has been not a single day when I had not thought about my little one. Healing is possible, it takes time, it might be gradual, however the emotional scars will remain forever. Stand tall and give your love and care to your daughters and loved ones, live as your son would wish you to live - to honour his memory.

  18. This is heartbreaking and I wish all of those in mourning a measure of acceptance, and if not that, then a measure of strength and grace to bear their pain.

    My mother lost her oldest son (my brother) when he was 19 years old. (I was 15, my other sibling was 18). Indeed, 'closure' is not the right word. 'Dealing with it' or 'living with it' cuts closer to the reality of it. Parents are not supposed to outlive their children. And sometimes it is just better to say nothing at all but to hold a compassionate space. After all, what is there to say? No justice in the world can justify this. We can only hope to hold the crucible in which anger is transformed and hope emerges anew.

    Many blessings,
    This Good Life

  19. Thank you for posting this. Today is the anniversary of my mother's death. She was 33 and died from a stroke. Even though it has been many years, I still miss her like crazy and the holidays are often difficult to get through since my sons are grown now and on their own.

  20. Dear Amy, I am so sorry you and your family have to go through this. As a mother who lost her 41 day old son 2 1/2 years ago, I can tell you that although you will never get over it (no one has a right to expect you to) I promise you, it will get easier to live with over time. The pain sneaks back sometimes unexpectedly, but we press on for our other children. I have found for me, talking about him has helped. I pray you will find joy and laughter again and be able to remember the good times.

  21. Rhonda wise words and from strangers across the globe words of comfort and encouragement and love.............tears fall and my heart goes out to Amy and her family.
    I have one child a son who is the light in my life I cannot imagine how I would ever cope if that light went out.
    When my mum died 5 years ago I wondered how long it would be before the tears stopped as they were like a waterfall........then one day I realised that they didn't fall so readily and yes, as you said Rhonda I did feel more of a peace. It took years but I got there, I still miss her of course.
    Amy, you will get there with the love and help of family and friends , you will all get there.

    Claire XX

  22. I cannot imagine how devastating the loss of a child could be. It's the most difficult event in everybody's life to cope with, it's unnatural!!!! Maybe Amy needs to talk and talk about this terrible fact and about his son, just to perpetuate the memory of the joy they lived when he was with them. I'll pray for all the parents who have lived this terrible pain in their life.

  23. My thoughts and prayers are with Amy and her family at this time.

  24. You never get over the pain of loss. My parents lost my brother back in 1982. He was 24 & had just become a father for the first time. She was 8 weeks old. I know for a fact my parents still feel pain all these years later especially when that baby girl recently had a child of her own & named him after the father she never knew. My thoughts are with you & yours Amy.

  25. Dear Sweet Amy,
    I grieve for your son, and with your family. Things will never be the same. You need to just keep living and keep your son in your heart and memory. When you don't know what to do, just do the next thing. Remember your son with laughter and love. Never let his memory die, for any of your family. The pain will never end, but as Hanno says, you will learn to live with it, and some days it won't be so bad.
    You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

  26. Dearest Amy,
    My sincere sympathy goes out to you and your family.
    I can not imagine how you are feeling part of you must feel like it has died also. Do go easy on yourself and share your grief with your family.I am sending you lots of courage, strength and loving thoughts for the difficult times ahead.
    I agree with Rhonda there is no closure, take your time. It sounds like you are a wonderful mother and you will honour your son always.
    I am so sorry for you loss. You will be in my thoughts.

  27. Amy, I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family.

  28. Dear Amy I hope you can find a little peace to get through this very difficult season to have such a great loss to grieve. You are doing everything right for the sake of your children. Oh Amy I am not sure what I could ever say to ease this pain. I pray you get answers here and do know everyone cares about you and your family and my prayers are with you. I wish I could hug you.
    Hanno I am so sorry, you never get over that.
    Take care.

  29. My heart goes out to Amy and her family. I have a toddler and am pregnant with our second child and I too can not imagine the grief that Amy must feel. I wish her all the very best and am so very sorry to hear about the loss of her beautiful son.

  30. I felt the need to reply to this post. Hanno is right, it is something that you never get over, its the little things that trigger memories off and yep, you feel like you are back to square 1 again. I lost my firstborn son at the age of 10 days and it truly changed me. I used to be so patient and understanding, I found after losing him, I have never had the same kind of patience since, even after having another 4 children. I believe after losing a child a part of you goes with them, but at the same time you fill that gap with more inner strength than you ever thought you would have. You become tougher in a way. The pain never goes away but you build the resilience to live with their memory and to cherish it always. My son would have been turning 18 in January, becoming a man. My heart goes out to you "Amy" and your family. Treat yourself gently and take this Christmas easy. Try to have a simple Christmas in his Honour. I wish you all the best and remember that there is a whole world of people out there who would be only too willing to lend a hand if you need it.


  31. oh geez. yesterday, a good online friend lost her daughter in a car accident. This woman is my age and also has breast cancer. I am in total shock and feel so helpless being so far away.

    And now this with your reader, Amy. just awful.

    i have never lost a child [miscarriage at 20 weeks, does that count?] - so I cannot even begin to understand the grief these women are going through. I did lose a husband just before Christmas many years ago - so I can understand part of that grief.
    closure? pfft. you never get closure from such a close loss. never. time makes it easier yes, but the loss is always there in your soul.
    I am holding Amy in my prayers.

  32. I lost my brother at age 26, and you are so right there is no closure. its a pain you learn to live with. every christmas, easter or birthday there is a gap and that gap doesnt ever dissapear. so sorry to hear of this poor familys loss. my heart goes out to them.

  33. Dear Amy, My thoughts and prayers are with you at this very sad time. Take your days one step at a time and know that there are people who care about you.

    Thank you Rhonda for sharing Amy's story and I'm sure from all the comments here they will give her some comfort.


  34. Rhonda you have a real gift for knowing what to say, and I am so saddened by all the readers who have lost children. Wow my heart aches for all of you. May you all find peace.

  35. Dear Amy, how wise of you to reach out to Rhonda. My Mum has been through what you are going through now, it's never easy, the ache is always there. I read in a book once "rather five minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing". Cyber hugs to you Amy.

  36. Amy, I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your precious son. We lost a baby daughter days before Christmas in 1971. I have not forgotten, and there is still pain. But you integrate it into your life and go on for the sake of the other children, for your own sake. What a blessing it is to be able to reach out to a world-wide community of women through Rhonda, and to extend words of understanding, sympathy and comfort when one of us is feeling such grief. Sending warm hugs from Canada

  37. Amy, my sincere sympathy to you & your family. My heartfelt thoughts are with you at this time.

    Rhonda, you say things in such a beautiful nutureing way & Hanno thankyou for sharing, a persons own tragedy can help someone elses pain when they are going through a difficult time.

    When I lost my husband I had 3 children under 8 & I will be forever grateful for the handful of people that stood close 24/7. To my wonderful friend that use to come around get my oldest 2 off to school then drag me out of bed & push me into the shower. I remember the pain I wanted to lie in bed & stop the world from moving on.

  38. Hi Rhonda, been awhile, good to catch up again. I hope you don't mind I have linked this post on my story blog Past and Present. I do know one of my readers had to deal with kind of loss, and hope it would bring them some comfort too. You always have good advice thanks heaps Rina (Chester ALS)
    Rina ... Our Slice of Heaven www.pumpkinpatchgarden.blogspot.com

  39. Amy,

    You have my deepest and most heartfelt condolences. I cannot begin to comprehend the pain you must be feeling, and I know that on some level there really are no words for situations like this. But I will share a story with you.

    My life partner (I refer to him as CatMan) spent many years working as a therapist. He also lost his younger brother quite tragically a number of years ago, and has dealt with more than his fair share of losses.

    His belief is that we try to get away from strong emotions, but that what we really need to do is move toward the emotion and feel it completely. I've always agreed in principle, although this is totally the opposite of how emotions were dealt with in my family growing up, so it's a struggle for me, and I don't always have a model for what feeling your emotions fully might look like.

    Well, a few weeks ago, CatMan lost a beloved pet suddenly and unexpectedly, and I had the opportunity to watch him go through the process of grieving the loss. I admit, it was very difficult for me to watch, because he really, truly allowed himself to feel all of the pain. He made no attempt to blunt his feelings or to remain stoic. And he didn't just cry, he lapsed into full body sobbing, and even allowed himself to call out things like "It's not fair!" and "I want him back!"

    But in a funny way it seemed that by completely feeling and expressing his pain, the grief almost passed through him in a manner that I have never experienced. It's not like the pain is gone, but I think that by not running away from it, the pain sort of lost its power over him.

    I'm certainly not trying to equate the loss of a pet to the loss of a child, because truly, I don't believe that any two losses can ever really be compared. But I did feel honored to witness CatMan's grieving process, and I found it oddly comforting in a way.

    I guess some part of me has always believed that the goal was to make the bad feelings go away. But since all emotions are pretty much attached to the same spigot, when you turn off pain, you also turn off love and joy. So cutting off your pain is sort of akin to cutting off a limb, which means that the only choice really is to feel it. Somehow, knowing that you can feel such pain totally and completely, and still be OK, made a big impact on me.

    Sending you thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
    All My Best,

  40. Amy, My prayers are with you. I hope that you have a chance to allow yourself to feel everything that you need to feel. Even if you have to take a walk deep in to the woods by yourself to do it. Whether you need to cry, scream, weep or be silent. May God give you the peace that passes all understanding.

    Rhonda, You are such a comfort. Like a warm blanket on a cold day. You and Hanno have offered such wisdom in this post.

  41. Oh goodness Amy,

    My family went through this exact same thing 7 years ago... my 25 year old brother (who was also my best friend) was killed in a car accident... my mum and dad, along with us 3 girls (his sisters) were devastated... there were days when i was so grief stricken i didn't think i would want to continue living and didn't think it would be possible to keep living with that much grief... i was constantly shocked that the world just continued to turn and people went on living their lives when my world had ended...
    my mum and dad were a mess (like the rest of us)

    very little brought us comfort... it was really a get through one day at a time kind of thing...

    and the first christmas was so horrible... there was no joy for any of us...

    people kept saying all the wrong things... like "things happen for a reason"... which is bollocks and nonsense perpetuatued by the likes of oprah who obviously haven't experienced that type of grief in their lives... the fact is bad things sometimes happen to good people... it's a devastating part of life...

    i think the thing that brought the most healing for us was time spent together as a family... gaining strength from each other... and then, later on, the addition of grandchildren (when my sisters and i started having children) it seemed like my parents had found a new reason to continue on... us girls and their grandchildren are everything to them...

    mum and dad have kept themselves busy as well which helps... you never get over the pain... and i'm not sure the pain ever eases... you just think of it less often and learn to put it in a place in your brain where you can manage it... it takes time... and you have to allow yourself the time...

    i wish you and your family the very best... help each other and keep christmas low key

  42. A lady I know lost her 35 year old son just 4 weeks ago. He literally dropped dead from a sudden heart attack. No warning, gone. She is devastated and wished it were her that had died instead. How do you begin your life again after such tragedy?
    It is my worst fear in life that I should lose my children.
    Another family I know lost their 18 year old daughter to a drunk driver on NYE. I do not know how they carried on. How do you get out of bed each day? I wouldn't want to.

    Beautiful words of advice and comfort for Amy and her family, Rhonda (and Hanno). I am sure this has opened up a large forum and many people will benefit from this discussion.

    My thoughts and condolences to Amy and her family at this very sad time.

  43. How very sad. We never expect to outlive our precious children and they are all precious regardless of how long they have lived. My heart goes out to you and your family Amy. God bless you and give you strength and comfort at this time.
    I have always thought that people should never try to avoid speaking about the loss with the people who are in mourning, I know that I appreciated people not being afraid to broach the subject when we have lost loved family members. When folk try to avoid the subject it makes it very awkward for everyone.
    One of my friends, lost both of her adult sons to cancer within 12 months of each other, her grandson could not cope with the loss of his father and went completely " off the rails" and is now in jail, and her husband has advancing dementia. They say God only gives you what you can cope with. Sometimes that is hard to believe.
    Everyone grieves differently and you need to take time for yourself,Amy, the grief never disappears but it softens with the beautiful memories of you loved one. Sandy.

  44. I'm so sorry for your loss Amy. You and your family are in my prayers. x

  45. My heartfelt sympathies to this lady over the loss of her son; it is bad enough to lose someone, but at this time of year an intensified experience when all around you most people are rejoicing over the season. I don't think we get over the loss of any one dear to us. We only eventually learn to live with it.

    My prayers are with you.

  46. To Amy I would say that I do not believe in the word "cope" either. It is justa front you put on for others and probably delays the grieving process. Which is a process. There are many parts to it and each person takes their own amount of time for each part. Please, please don't cover up your feelings. Your children need to know that the only correct way to grieve is their own and that you care so immensely and would if something happened to them too. Don't cut your children out of your grieving process and don't let others dictate how you do it. Rhonda has given some amazing insight and thankyou to Hanno for sharing his heart too. Cherrie

  47. Its the greatest sorry known to mankind ,the loss of a child,your world is forever changed. Life does go on and until you meet again the only thing to do is take each gentle day and remember how much they also loved you , what they would want for you in life. The bond between parent and child can never be broken it has always existed and will always exist till the end of time.Living and loving is the only way I can think to honour one so precious.Holding you up in prayer Amy. Peace be with you. Julie

  48. I am so sorry that this has happened to you family Amy, there are many of us that have lost their priesous children, l too have lost a son, even though it was 20 years ago it does seem like yesterday.

    Rhonda your words were truly wonderful to read, too many people spout platitudes at you at the worst time without knowing what to say. l counselled mothers that lost children for a few years and the best advice would be to find a friend to talk to someone who knows what it's like to lose a child and you can help each other.

    take care
    Gail (poodle lover)

  49. What a wonderful group of loving people to share in Amy's grief. And wise words from you and Hanno encouraging all of us to live with loving hearts.
    Please send our love to Amy and her family.

  50. i'm so sorry, amy. i can't even imagine the pain you must feel.

    thank you for sharing, amy and rhonda. by sharing you are helping others in so many ways.


  51. Amy, there are no words...,, but if I could I would simply tell you the love never dies. It lives on, and the love that bound you to him, is still very real and always will be. I hope and pray God in His mercy will bear you up, and give you peace.

  52. I can't imagine losing a child and going through that kind of pain, but I came awfully close to losing my husband in 2007 from a brain aneurysm and stroke. The kinds of emotions that run through you I can't describe in words, and even to this day when someone asks me about what happened, it's hard to talk about because I almost lost the love of my life and the father of my children.
    Dearest Amy, I'm so very sorry for your loss and will pray that God will give you the strength you need. That's all I had when my husband was in the hospital and at the worst moments it was an incredible comfort for me. I don't know how it was, but I've learned that God gives us what we need right when we need it most. Amy, you're in my thoughts and my heart.

  53. Thanks for sharing this. To Amy, im so sorry for your tremendous loss xx I lost my only daughter in January of this year, she was 19. To lose a child is the most painful experience. It just isnt the way its ment to be. Draw strength from people around you, talk about your son as much as you want, do what you have to to get through, there is no easy way. Amy if you ever need to talk you can contact me through my blog xx

  54. Sometimes, it's a struggle just to wake up and breathe in the morning.
    It's a journey that no one ever wants to take. One day, you'll find yourself a long way down that journey path, looking over your shoulder at where you've come from... but that takes a long time and when your grief and ache is new and raw, it's too hard to comprehend...

    ~Hanno said you never get over it, you just learn to live with it. "Sometimes, when you've been making progress, a memory or a smell will take you back, you remember and you're back to zero again. That never stops."~

    yep. Love to those living with loss.


  55. Hi Rhonda I'm not sure if it is me that put a post up about our adopted daughter who was 21 when she passd away in a car accident. Her anniversary is coming up on the 21st December. If the lady would like to corrosponde with me that is fine my email address is
    I would have to agree that it is something that you never get over and each person has the right to take as long as they like to grieve.
    She was not my birth daughter but I loved her all the same as if she was my own.

  56. (((Amy & family)))

  57. Dear Amy I lost a brother when I was 18 and he was 17. My Parents held in their pain and did not show us how to grieve. They could not talk about him or let him still be part of our lives spiritually. It was very sad as eventually it affected all of us badly in different ways. My two younger brothers were 15 and 13. They could not cope and it altered the course of their lives. I treated my brothers death as him just being in another room. He was still there I just could not see him.I was very close to him. My heart goes out to you. Through all the pain I grew and found that I could help others. That was much further down the track, years in fact.
    I think that going to grief counciling is a good step. It is very important to understand your grief and if possible to all grow closer with all of your memories of a wonderful man.Take time out to smell the roses and see something special in little things. My healing was to go for a walk along the beach, just to drink in the sea air and remember the special times.

    Take Care Amy.

  58. To Amy. My 32 year old brother died in my mom's arms in the doctor's office. Mom, of course was torn up but felt a sense of peace because she was with him. It's been 22 years since he passed and each year the pain eased just a little bit. I guess I'm saying, the pain will ease to be replaced with precious, warm and fun memories. Just get through one minute, then an hour, a day, a month.... your family will help.
    My warm thoughts and prayers are sailing your way.

  59. Dear Amy, my heart goes out to you at this most difficult time. Three years ago, we lost our beautiful 31 year old daughter to cancer, and it has been the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. It leaves a huge hole in your heart one that never mends, but you do slowly learn how to handle it. Three years out, there are more good days than bad, and I so agree with Hanno, a memory, a smell, a special song that your child loved, can take you back to square one. In moments like that, I have found it best to let the tears fall, to grieve fully. Bottling up your grief so that others are not upset,only makes it harder to get on with life. You will never be the same person, life becomes so much more precious, especially the lives of your other children. Allow them to grieve and to talk about their sibling. You don't have to have all the answers for them, just listening to them and crying with them will help. Remember your husband in all this also, sometimes men are not able to share their feelings easily. Be gentle with each other, and don't judge. His feelings are just as valid as yours, everyone grieves in their own way. Take care of yourself Amy, life will get better little by little.

  60. Oh my, the dark months here (USA) are the hardest times of all to loose loved ones. So very hard!!I have now lost most of those who I feel loved me most. Beginning with my brother closest in age to me, now 37 years ago...when he was 20 and I was 22. A drunk driver. Also, nearly killed my dad, and injured the financee of my brother, who was to have married her 6 weeks later. We were away in Hawaii, where Hubby was stationed in the Navy. Shortly before Thanksgiving. Nothing has really ever been the same, and my Mom grieved till she died in 2001. Yes, we learned how to live with it and went on. But we never forgot him. He was one of the funniest people you ever met and knew how to forgive others beyond what most ever do. He held children spellbound when he told stories, often made up from his huge imagination. My 2 other brothers married but had no children of their own. So my 3 children were the only bloodline ones. And yes, it does make a difference. The main solace my family had was in our belief that GOD will enable us to meet again and never be parted. And a very real vision I was given 5 months after he was killed, gave me great peace too.

    Like another person wrote, one way I coped was in my mind he was just away someplace (well, he is actually). But while I tried to go on and make holidays fun for my children, always inside was a sadness. I think this lady is wise to go to grief groups as I think they are helpful. I did not go to such, but had some friends who had also lost a brother, etc. who comforted me often too. Mainly one needs someone to listen to them. Often. And prayer is the best medicine of all.
    Elizabeth in NC

  61. Amy, so sorry for your loss. Praying for peace and comfort for you and your family.

  62. Dear Amy, my heart goes out to you...Here is something that I read once in a book and thought was very apt..
    Death is nothing at all

    Death is nothing at all
    I have only slipped away into the next room
    I am I and you are you
    Whatever we were to each other
    That we are still
    Call me by my own familiar name
    Speak to me in the easy way you always used
    Put no difference into your tone
    Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
    Laugh as we always laughed
    At the little jokes we always enjoyed together
    Play, smile, think of me, pray for me
    Let my name be ever the household word that it always was
    Let it be spoken without effort
    Without the ghost of a shadow in it
    Life means all that it ever was
    There is absolute unbroken continuity
    What is death but a negligible accident?
    Why should I be out of mind
    Because I am out of sight?
    I am waiting for you for an interval
    Somewhere very near
    Just around the corner
    All is well.
    Nothing is past; nothing is lost
    One brief moment and all will be as it was before
    How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!

    Canon Henry Scott-Holland, Canon of St Paul's Cathedral (1847 - 1918)

  63. Dear Amy, I do understand your pain. We lost our grandson, Daniel 4 years ago right before Christmas. He was napping right next to his Pappa and older brother and just stopped breathing. At the hospital he was kept alive with machines and blood transfusions for 12 hours and then he was declared dead. We held him for four hours praying for him to be raised from the dead. When it didn't happen our faith was shaken to the core. I am sharing all this because what really helped me was the realization that this life is only temporary. Daniel is alive! He is in heaven. One day we will all be reunited and there will then be no sorrow or tears. We will be together forever!
    Grief, unfortunately is a part of life we all have to experience. Losing a child or grandchild is the worst! The pain is so intense, sometimes you feel like you are drowning in it. I couldn't have gotten through it without leaning on God. I don't understand why this happened but this I do know, God didn't kill your son or my grandson. They have crossed over . . . And they are closer to us then we know. The Quakers describe it as going from one room to another. That brings me great comfort. I pray you and yours find comfort and peace as you navigate through this difficult time. It will get better. You will laugh and be happy once more. Right now is a season of sorrow but it is only a season. Love and prayers, Julie

  64. Dearest Amy, I have not felt your pain and I could never know the depth of your grief and your profound sorrow. The agony of losing a child must be incomprehensible and utterly indescribable. I offer no advice, but I give my feeble but sincere condolences, and I pray that you will be carried during these very dark days. There is light, but it is so very far away... ((((((((Amy))))))))

  65. My heart and breath go out to you Amy. Everything is so much easier said than done, I cannot fathom how much you must miss him. I know if it were me and I would want my children to think of it that I am just around the corner and I forgot my phone. You can't see me, or talk or text, but I am there. There is just nothing I can think to say except that my heart and breath go out to you <3

  66. Amy and Family - I read the same comment over and over here and I believe that it is 100% true - although you will never get over your grief, especially over a child, it does get easier to bear. I think the quote about time heals all things is apt and eventually you will be able to focus more on the precious memories you have of/with your child and not quite so much on the raw, searing grief.
    Our family will be praying for you and yours during this Christmas season. You sound like such a brave person who is managing to cope, and I think that is all that can be expected of you at this time.
    Virginia, USA

  67. Dear Amy, I have no clue what to write but from the bottom of my heart thank you for being such a brave person and sharing this. You are in my thoughts and my prayers and I send you my deepest sympathy.

  68. I don't know about doing the practical things and carrying on like that. That's what I did when my Dad dropped dead one day when I was 21, but I end up having somewhat of a breakdown and several months on anti-depressants before meeting my husband. I had tried to stick with the practical things, doing all that I could for my widowed step-Mum and younger sisters, none of whom had a driving licence for instance so I drove them everywhere in the aftermath. Having now lost my Mum suddenly (and I'm still only 34) I feel that there is an amount or crying and meditating really that we must do with each bereavement, and that once you've crossed that threshold you reach that place which Hanna described. So, 12 years on from my Dad's death, I still cry spontaneously when something reminds me of him in a particularly emotive way. My Mum committed suicide 12 months ago (I can't believe it's been so long already) and while I can talk casually about that situation, and even laugh about some of the surrounding circumstances, I often shed a few lonely tears.

    The tears that continue in years gone by are for the loss of potential I think when you've lost someone still young (Dad was 47, Mum 61). You focus on what could have been in THEIR life, as well as the relationship that you shared. Nothing will ever remove or diminish the potential that they and you had, and that is the core of all of the pain I believe. You feel so desperately sad that they didn't have or achieve all that they could have and were perhaps destined too.

    I agree wholeheartedly with what Hanno said, you just learn to live with it, and unexpected things occasionally make you cry. But I really feel that you need to do a certain amount of that before you have the energy and will and live your own life again. My personal experience was that pushing on with work and my homelife only made me ill in the end. I was trying to be everything to the family who I felt were more vulnerable than I, and I exploded one day having just had a car accident because my mind was constantly elsewhere. I also started having panic attacks after that. I didn't begin grief counselling until that time.

    I think that going in to lockdown as a family will only help in the long run. You need to eat, but that's about it. The house will always wait, and really, it can only get SO bad before it stays the same. Dedicate the time that you can to thinking about your son 'Amy' and the raw pain will subside somewhat, at some point. Even when I cry for my parents now it's with a happiness because it's only fond memories that are triggered by the small things, despite the foul adolescence that I experienced with my mother.

    With much love,

  69. dear amy and famiy, i am so sorry for your loss. i have no wise words to offer. it has been 5 months since my husband was killed. all the firsts have been hard. first birthday, first wedding anniversary and now first christmas. i have tried to do something special for him on each of these days. please know i will think of you during this holiday period.

    sophie in new zealand

  70. here's a poem i wrote in 1977 that might help Amy:

    Everlasting Love

    Sunlight filters
    through the window
    A golden ray
    sliently beckons me
    to begin a new day.
    A new day without you.
    Our happiness
    is gone...
    taken away so needlessly
    in the night.
    "you have so much going for you"
    (they said)
    But, don't they know
    that without you
    I am lost?
    Sure, I'll recover
    It will be painfully slow--
    but I will do it
    using that
    everlasting love
    you promised me.

  71. I have no wise words. So much has been said. Thank you Rhonda, Hanno, Amy and everyone who has commented for sharing your pain and comfort. You have touched so many lives today, including mine.

  72. Amen Sister, and my sincere condolences to you and your family Amy.

    I have hated hearing that word "closure" every time someone dies, or I see a news story and a grieving family is crying for closure. I know they too know, there is never "closure". Answers, maybe, but "closure", never. Until we too enter eternity the pain of the loss will remain, not so intense, not so always in our minds, but it is there. Really, this is what tells our hearts and minds the true connection and love we have for the deceased. Closure, never, remembrance, hopefully until we too die, but in loving perspective.

    I think Amy is right about carrying on with the day to day things that right now seem insurmountable because of her grief, but these little mindless chores will give her perspective , keep her hands busy, expend her energy and give her sleep, so she can indeed carry on and someday rejoice again at the life she has and the son she had.

  73. What a terribly sad story and so many grieving lost loved ones out there. I think it is so good to talk openly about death and what it means and think it fits in perfectly with living simply. Nothing could remind us more that all we really have is each other, and there is little more we need. Kindest thoughts to all those missing loved ones at Christmas.

  74. Rhonda,

    I might should have emailed this, but I feel compelled to respond. I was very moved by this post like many others, and I agree with everything you said except for the literal interpretation of "closure".

    We have all known those who can't move past a loss that has devestated their lives. These people are so connected or bonded with that person, that relationship that is lost, it never really becomes an event in the past. Closure, to me is finding that place where the pain is still there, it will always be there and you never want to forget what caused it but you are able to "close" that part of your life so that you can continue the process of healthy living. I think of it as closing a door but not completely. It is left slightly ajar so the feelings, the love, the grief is still there, but in a healthy way.

    It is easy to say of course, but hard to do. I do believe that we need "closure" or that tragic event, that overwhelming loss steers our lives and keeps us afraid of loving like that again. It pains me when I meet people who cannot let go, find closure, whatever you want to call it and the person is now flawless and perfect and they can never marry again or their children don't quite measure up to the one they lost. They are unaware of it, of course.

    Perhaps a better term needs to be defined rather than "closure" because it isn't healthy to close off that part of life that is lost, nor is it healthy to deny living the life that has yet to come.

    Please tell Hanno thanks for sharing, and I'm very sorry for his loss.

  75. Amy, I have not lost a child but I did lose my husband suddenly when I was 8 months pregnant with our first child. I did not think I would survive it but I did...sometimes day by day...sometimes minute by minute. And I forced myself to go on for our child. It does get easier...I didn't believe it would either but it does. Grief is like a package you eventually put down by the side of the road and go on....you NEVER forget and always remember!!! God's blessings on your and your family! I am praying for you!

  76. Dear Amy,
    I can't begin to understand your loss, but my heart goes out to you and your family.

    Rhonda, thank you for sharing such a poignant topic. In the past week, my daughter's friend lost her first baby when he was just 12 days old - and just minutes from my home a beautiful 15 year old girl was murdered. My Grandma lost her only child, my Dad, when she was almost 80 yrs old, and her grief was so raw that she had outlived her only child.

    I totally agree that "closure" is not a word that should ever be associated with grieving. My Dad died 23 years ago, my Mum died 13 years ago, and even after all this time, one little sound or smell can take me right back to the utterly heartbreaking feelings of raw grief. I do know that very slowly, the times this happened has lessened over the years - these days I can conjure up much happier memories. But that pain never really goes away. I don't think we'd be human if it did.

  77. 4 years ago, when I thought that I would loose my youngest, my husband and I held tight to each other and cried. We gave each other strength by this simple act, by just knowing that you are not alone, by just saying to each other that it will be okay even if your fears are realised.
    I also remember one night in particular. I stayed overnight with her when she was in hospital for a few of those anxious days, whilst my husband stayed with our other daughter. I remember breaking down completely, as I saw her frail body laying there, and surrendered her life to God. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, that surrender.
    So my advise to you Amy...
    Hold each other, even if you say nothing, hold each other.
    Don't forget, never forget...but accept.

    Trinidad & Tobago

  78. I have not experienced anything like this myself, but I remember the touching words of a mother who lost her son very early. After several years had passed she said, perhaps her son's life had greater meaning in passing from this world. For she had noticed how it had touched other people's lives in good ways.

    As a mother it was difficult for her to physically lose her son, but in talking about it and remembering his life as a gift that continues rather than ends, she has breathed new life into her son for others to breathe in as well.

    She had never imagined the generosity that would be shown towards her and her family, after his passing. At the time all she could do was mourn, but she never forget each act of compassion: because it reminded her of her son's wonderful (yet far too short) life. They remembered him, and that made her feel proud.

    I'm sorry this event has come to pass for you and your family. No-one wants to welcome this kind of news on their doorstep. When you don't have a choice though, it comes regardless. Blessings to you and your household. I hope your pain brings a deeper meaning than just sorrow. I still remember that mother's son to this day, and her story. It was sad but she had found a strength she didn't realise at first, and she passed it on to others.

    When it was time to do that of course, she still mourned him for as long as she needed to.

  79. I've lost a baby, when I was 36 weeks pregnant. It was a simple knot that stopped blood and oxygen to feed him. He was perfect, complete, should have been in good health and I named him Philippe. On february, 23, he should have 4 years. I never miss a day without thinking about him. I will never know him, never know his voice, his eyes, etc. But I know that I love him and can't forget him.

    After giving birth to him, I started to clean up the baby room. It wasn't finished but I decided to move and to prepare next baby. It was soon, maybe too soon for others, but I wanted it. We were nervous that this accident was repeted but as I said, We could'nt do anything, just wait. On february, 1, one year later, Edouard came in our lives. He's going on his 3 years old and we love him.
    I have 3 beloved boys, all in good health. It's not always easy, and my third boy miss me always. But it forced me to go away, to improve my self. I'm not courageous, hard or anything else. I was just a sad mom who lost a child. But I know he is not alone. My lover lost her mom, and I think they are togheter. She was very impatient to be a grand-mother. Now, she can care my son and her grand-son. I never meet her, but it helps me to confort me.

    So, to give him his place in our family, I decided to takes his ashes at home. He has a special place in our living room were we pass a lot of time. It's not sad to see that. There are his ashes in a cute jewelery box that sings, a candle holded by 3 angels and an angel teddy bear. My sons understand what this means, except my little one that his very curious about it. Does it is his soul inside Edouard ? I don't know, but I know that when I'll be on the other side, I'll know it.

    Don't forget that we will se us togheter when we will be on the other side. And we will be warmth with love.

    I'm thinking of you,
    Nadine C.

  80. Amy, I am so very sorry. I am sending prayers and positive thoughts your way.

    Anna Marie

  81. I do hope you will receive some comfort knowing that people from all over the world are thinking of you and praying for your family. I am so very sorry to hear of the loss of your son.

  82. I am so sorry to hear of the loss of Amy`s fine young son. I agree that "closure" is a glib word. The pain of a loss goes on until the day you die. Hoping that Amy finds a way to cope.

  83. Dear Amy,

    I haven't yet read all the comments being sent to you, so I may be repeating some of them. My sincerest heartfelt sympathies go out to you and your family and I want you to know that you will be on my mind throughout the coming days. No parent expects to outlive her child. If we lived near one another, I would love to sit and listen to you tell me about your son. You honor him by reaching out for comfort, aide and by sharing your thoughts with others. I agree with Rhonda that the idea of closure is just so unrealistic.

    Thank the Lord, I have not lost a child. My dad died ten years ago and just like Hanno, it doesn't take much to bring back his memory. Of course I miss him, but the memories are more gentle now and I don't focus on his last days as much. This may sound silly, but there is one thing that I do every time our family (my mom, my children, and my brother) get together for an outing: I always bring olives to the table. Daddy and I loved olives, but no one else in the family does. I bring them anyway and smile at the thought of Daddy and me sharing them years ago.

    I send my love and prayers to you and yours.

    Diane in North Carolina

  84. Amy and family I am so very sorry to hear of your loss, I don't know you at all, but know for sure that there are prayers being said for you and thoughts going out to you all over the Blogging world.

    You have experienced every Mother or Fathers worst nightmare, draw yor family close and let the love of your other children bind you all together as you struggle to cope at this sad time.

    You are being so wise having counselling to show your girls how to grieve and how to cope, you are a brave and caring mother.

    Loving thoughts and virtual hugs being sent your way.

    Sue xx

  85. To Amy and Family - Amy, there are no words I'm sure that can express the depth of grief that one has in experiencing the death of a child or grandchild. It truly is the ultimate pain, in my opinion, that a human can feel in this physical world. I grieve with you and I sympathize with you in your pain. I do not know what your spiritual relationship is, nor would I want to impose my beliefs upon you. But I can say that if you believe in God, and I do with all my heart, that GOD knows how you feel. He lost his Son, too, and He above all, feels your pain. I'll be praying for you and your family, that God will send His divine comfort and wrap you all in His loving arms, and that you will find your inner peace again to be able to go on with your lives. Just the fact that you are trying to be good examples in the grief process to the other children in your lives tells me that you WILL show them the best way to handle this tragic loss - but you know you must grieve, and so must they. Let it draw you all closer together. My heart goes out to you all.

  86. I have three daughters, my baby being 26 years old. I don't know how I would live without her, for she is much like Amy describes her son....a angel walking on the earth. My heart aches for her ad her family. Hold on to who he is to you, you precious memories of him, and the place he held in your family.
    Peace and Blessings to you, Amy,

  87. Oh Amy I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I lost my beautiful healthy 2month old son when I was 26 years old. I was ill equipped to deal with such a huge loss.
    All I can tell you is be so patient with yourself, cry, cry hard when you need to, be angry when your angry.....do not stuff the grieving process. I promise you it does get better.. You will have good days, days you remember your son and smile even laugh and days you will be in tears for some small memory that surfaced.
    I know the deep deep empties in your gut, an emptiness that hurts beyond belief, this to will get better.
    You will never forget your son, he will always be there smiling down on you and your family. You will learn to live with his death and live well.
    Forgive anyone who may say something that is hurtful, no one knows or understands the pain of losing a child unless they have gone through it. In our world children are to bury their parents, not parents burying their children..
    You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers this season.
    Time is a wonderful healer it does get better.

  88. Amy I have been in the darkness where you are now. I know how you feel. You take all the time you need to grieve. Over time the darkness will leave you and the light will gradually return. Your memories will never fade.

  89. Amy - my heart goes out to you xxx while I have no real advice to offer, I couldnt read and not comment. let yourself grieve, there are no rules on how you should do it either, just follow your body. Cry when you need, yell when the anger makes you feel you might explode and rest when your body needs to. You will survive this and you will come out the other side with a strength you never knew you had (it truly sucks that you need to experience the death of your precious boy to realise that strength)
    many thoughts fo you and your family during this difficult time xxx

  90. Dear Amy, I am not good at putting my filling into words but will try for you and hope it helps you some. I am a mom who knows the pains of losing a child. I have lost 2 of my 3 children, my first child 31 years ago. Just 2 days before she would have been 4 months old to Sudden infant death syndrome. And not a day goes by that I don't fill the love I have for her and miss holding or think about her , we both about lost our life while I was having her. And then (July) 11 years ago now I lost my oldest son in a motor cycle crash 1 week after what would have been his sister's birthday and 1 month before his 22 birthday day. It has taken time but I have learn to live with my pain 1 day at a time, by always keeping them in my heart. And there are days I will cry for them because it hurts so badly, Their birthdays are the hardest for me, I still tell them happy birthday and try to give someone a hug for my child on that day. I thank God for everyday they were in my life, for the joy & love they gave to others and me. That is what keeps me going my love for them, I give the love I have for them to the ones I still have. The son & my 2 step children and all the grand babies I now have. My children with God, are our angels who now watch over our growing family. You and your Family are in my prayers.

  91. Amy,
    I have nothing to offer but my prayers for your family. May you find peace!

  92. Thank you so much for writing this wonderful post. It is a hard issue but so many people need to read about living with grief after your child passed away.
    We lost our newborn son almost five years ago. After lots of struggling with grief we found our own way to live a happy life as a family with an 'empty chair' in our midst. In grieving there is no bad of good. The only way you can do it is your own way because it is a life long road.

  93. As always Rhonda, such wise words.
    Dear Amy, I have no words except that I am a mother too, and send my prayers for you and your family.
    God bless

  94. Dear Amy
    So sorry to hear about your loss. I lost a frind at the age of 36 leaving 3 children behind. 2 boys under the age of 6 years and a baby girl only 9 days old. I had a child care/pre-school at the time. I took all the 3 children in my care at no charge to the dad as he could't afford child care and a mortgage at the same time. Once the little girl started kindergarten at the age of 5 I sold the business. You don't forget you just somehow learn to live with it. They do leave a big hole in your life but have to cope. YOur son would love for you to continue and make your life as normal as you can. I am thinking of you and I hope you find the strength and comfort knowing that we all care and pray for you.

  95. Bless Amy and her family as they continue to grieve such a tremendous loss, and bless you, Rhonda, for taking on this weighty subject with such a tender touch.

  96. I had to repost this as the reader asked that her email was not published but she put it in the comment.

    Anonymous said...
    My daughter was murdered at 25 1/2; she would be 43 today, and there has been no closure, but I chose to get through it as life is precious to me. In the beginning during grievance I said out loud that if I knew one person learned something from the death of my daughter (she had turned her back on her upbringing at 18 yrs of age and had been marching to her own drumbeat) I could accept her total loss... As it happened, one of her "drumbeat" girlfriends got in touch on the one year anniversary; I do not know why I conversed with her for so long, but something told me to, she indicated it could have been her that this happened to as she had chosen the same wrong path...She kept in contact frequently and we got to be good phone buds - after several years of this she had straightened herself out and returned to her parents - it was then I realized that this "one person" was the answer to my vocalization from years earlier...I still get goosebumps thinking of how we are heard! I have shared this story a lot, and hope it helps! Sincerely, a frequent reader

  97. Amy, my thoughts and best wishes are with you and your family.

  98. My husband died 3 days after our 9th wedding anniversary, when I was just 34. It still seems as absurd and unreal as it did the day it happened. I can't tell you how to get through this. It's just time that heals. Nothing else. And a lot of talking. And very, very slowly, tiny step by tiny step, you start living again. You start noticing the sun again. Then the flowers. Then the birds. And the lost person becomes a part of you. You don't mourn him anymore, he just kind of lives within you.
    It's impossible to explain to a person who did not experience it and there is no need to explain to a person who lived it.

  99. I'm so sorry to have read about the loss your son, and for all the comments following from those that have lost someone too.. my heart and prayers go out to you all.

  100. Miss Robyn: Yes it counts. xx

  101. Dear Amy, I understand how you feel. I too have lost my 27year old son to a car accident almost three years ago. Believe me when i say there is no such thing as closure when it comes to your child. No matter their age, they are still your baby. I miss him and his friend who passed with him...It was just a devastating loss. You need to talk about him every chance you get. he was here in this world and should not be forgotten by any that knew him. If people get upset or shum you when you mention him, find people who will talk with you about him, for those are the ones who really care about you. I started a blog that was inspired by him, he loved me to cook for him. its heymamadukes.com message me there anytime you need a shoulder, no one wants to go through this kind of pain alone. many blessings and peace to you and your family, and know that he is always right beside you.

  102. I read with great sadness the story of the loss of Amy's son, and agree with many comments on this site that the words from Rhonda and Hanno were very helpful. I am nor sure whether people are aware of a very good organization called Compassionate Friends, largely run by volunteers,all of whom have lost a child, grand child or sibling. I am putting a link here as it may help people,

  103. We lost our son 19 years ago on the 4th of July. For the first 10 years, I could not stand to sit at home and always signed up to work in the ER to stay busy and keep my mind off reliving those events.

    Hanno is so very right in saying that you never "get over it" - but you do learn to continue living, and life does go on whether you wish it to or not.

    For those who fear losing a child or a grandchild. . . for those who say they could not deal with it or could not live if it were to happen to them. . . you can and you will should it occur. You may not want to, but you will. I believe that God gives you the strength you need at the time you need it, not before.

    Your post was spot on,as always.


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