There will be some readers who'll prefer not to read today's post. You can see by the title what it's about. But I am writing for a reader who needs our help at this time. The fact that it's Christmas and everyone is full of joy is irrelevant. We are real people living real lives and when a world collapses, it is healthy to reach out and connect. If you only want to read about simplifying, please stop reading now and come back tomorrow.

This is part of an email I received a few days ago from "Amy", a regular reader:

" ... We have only 5 weeks ago lost our amazing, precious and most darling 26 year old son...Rhonda if I told you he was an angel who walked this earth I would not be exaggerating one bit. If at some time could you please just mention your thoughts on children who leave before their parents...I know it's not in line with your blog....but I would dearly love to hear just a few words from you....as you ALWAYS make sense, your life is about compassion and I just know that everything you say is true. With Christmas upon us it is probably not the time anyway to be anything but full of joy. I have been going to grief counselling only so that I can show my girls who are 15 and 16 and another who is 27 and married with a darling little 2 year old how to grieve in a healthy way. Through my torment and agony I have to show the girls that we will get through this. But, oh Rhonda, the pain... "

I have no idea what this would feel like. Can you help someone if you don't understand the depth of their pain? I know I would cope with almost everything that might happen to me but the one thing that would wipe me out would be if anything happened to my children, or my grandchildren. I would not get over that. The first thing I did when I read this email was to read it to Hanno and to ask his advice. I don't tell you everything about us, but Hanno said it's okay to share his story if it's going to help someone. Two children from Hanno's first marriage died. A son at age two and a daughter at age six, both died from unusual and unrelated diseases. Hanno said you never get over it, you just learn to live with it. "Sometimes, when you've been making progress, a memory or a smell will take you back, you remember and you're back to zero again. That never stops."

I have a big problems with that word "closure". It seems to me that all of a sudden people started saying it in relation to death and grief. I thought it was a made up "Oprah" word but I just looked up my Webster's American Dictionary and it's in there. I'm sure their meaning is closure as in a door or window but it's there none the less. I don't think there is closure and it's absurd to think there would be. How can you close off that part of your life when it is the one thing you think of every day, the one thing you want to remember every second of, even though it causes you more pain than any thing you could imagine. Why would you want closure? It beats me. 

I think that counselling is good; talking to friends is good but often friends are trepidacious and don't want to bring up the subject thinking it might make things worse. I think when that happens, when the talking stops, when the person who died is not mentioned for fear of upsetting someone, those who are grieving the most feel their loved one is being forgotten. Talking makes a difference. Even this post will play a small part. It's recognising that a wonderful son, a young man who died young, is not here now and his life's promise was played out far too soon. His family and particularly his mother and father are devastated but all of us lose when this happens. We need good people.

There is another woman here who has gone through this pain herself with her daughter about the same age as this young man and I wonder if she would email me so I can connect her to Amy. There is some good in sharing grief but the sharing is best done with someone who has experienced it. Raw pain needs to meet raw pain - there is no half way mark with this kind of grief.

Hanno is right, I am sure of that. You never get over the death of a child. Parents aren't supposed to outlive their children and when it happens, you have to question if anything can be right again. My mum died 18 years ago but it seems like it was yesterday. I miss her so much and if someone were to offer me a million dollars or five minutes with my mother, I'd take that five minutes in an instant. I will never get over her death but I now know how to live with it. I do it by honouring the person she was, and wanted me to be, I do it by emulating her example. She was a very generous and open hearted women. I try to follow in her footsteps. Sometimes I step in them, sometimes I fail but the doing of this has helped me live without her.

I started writing this post yesterday afternoon and sent Amy an email asking if it was okay to share her story in the post. At this point in my post I received this reply from her: "Today has been the same, I need to really pull something out of my being to keep on, to make the bed, to wash the floors, to do a little cooking, but I say often to myself that I have to stay the person that my son knew and loved, I can't let that person slip away...in his honour." Amy, that is exactly what you need to do. Keep doing the practical things that gave structure to your days in the past. If there are days when you can't manage it, that's fine; rest on those days, or go out somewhere with the family, or alone. That is how I am dealing with my mother's death. It is the only way that makes sense to me.

If anyone tells you you need closure, don't listen to them. This is your son! You have to feel the pain. there is no closure. There is only you honouring the memory of him, being the mother he knew and staying true to that. There will be days when that will be easier than others. We live in a society that fears death and many people don't like talking about it. But it's the one true thing we all share. Don't let anyone sanitise your son's death, feel the pain, remember him, honour him by living well and true. One day there will come a time when the pain isn't as sharp. One day there will be the beginnings of acceptance. One day you'll be surprised by peace. I doubt there will ever be a time when you remember him without sadness and yearning but there is life to be lived. You have to do that for your daughters, and for him. He would want it. You need it.

Hanno and I send our sincere condolences to you and your family. I have no doubt there will be many readers who will do the same. There may be some who will share how they have coped with the death of a son or daughter. I hope this has given you some sort of comfort. I will be thinking of you in the days ahead and will stay in touch.

I was asked at a recent workshop what liquid I use to wash up. This is such a painful question for me because I've been chopping and changing, searching for something that feels right. Older readers here would remember that we gave away our dishwasher a couple of years ago and had a new sink unit installed recently. Well, I love the new sink. It gives me the room I need for large pots to be soaked totally covered with water. In my old sink I could only fit large pots in on an angle. The new sink helps me clean and makes washing up a pleasure, and now I have finally decided on a washing up liquid I'm happy to use long term.

Honestly, I feel like I've split the atom. Of all the simple things to come undone over, this has been it for me. I just couldn't get it right. There are so many detergents containing harsh chemicals and, quite frankly, I prefer to use soap. I've been using my liquid soap but it takes so long to make up, I can't imagine doing it for all the years I have ahead of me. I tried using my bar soap and it is good on some things, not good on others. Yellow laundry soap was similar. The search was on. Over the past month or so I've been experimenting - looking for something I'm happy with and would be prepared to stay with for a long time. We are a frugal family and I have to feel confident about recommending what I use, so price is a consideration too. In the end, Ecostore dishwash liquid won because it's plant-based, it contains no Sodium Laurel Sulphate or any other nasties and it washes well. It's in the medium price range.  There are home brand detergents at 11 cents per 100ml up to Morning Fresh detergent at $1.07 per 100mls.  This is listed at 88 cents per 100mls on the Woolworths site, and I'm happy with that, knowing I'm getting a safe, effective cleaner that is plant-based. Although if Woolworths are going to sell it in the store at $3.99 by my calculations, that would be 79 cents per 100mls, not 88 cents.

Now let me absolutely open with you here. Ecostore contacted me a few months ago and asked me to review some of their products. I have used a few Ecostore products in the past and while I thought they did an excellent job and had good green credentials, they were too expensive, especially for products we buy a lot of, such as dish liquid. So I told them that. I said I couldn't recommend something that I thought was too expensive. Case closed.


About a month ago I was doing some shopping for the Centre at the local Woolworths. They had Ecostore dish liquid for $2.99 a 500 ml bottle. I bought one for home. I've been using it for a couple of weeks and have had absolutely no problems with it. It cleans everything well, there is a pleasant lemon fragrance, nothing over-powering, and the skin on my hands hasn't dried out or become itchy. Best of all, as it's plant based, I feel very confident using it. So I emailed them and asked if they'd changed their pricing policy.They told me Woolworths has a special price and they expect the price of their dish wash liquid to be $3.99. I just checked online and it's listed there for $4.29, but maybe the online price is higher than the store price. Does anyone know?

So long story short(ish), I bartered some dish wash liquid for this review and a sponsor button on my blog. They will be supplying me with dish liquid for the coming year. I want to reassure you that I will write the truth as I find it. I will keep an eye on the ingredients list and the amount in those bottles and if they change, I'll write about it. Liz, the woman I've been emailing with said she'd been making her own laundry liquid and power but when she went back to work she had no time to make it. She asked me if I would do a review on some laundry products. I've agreed to do that early in the new year. I've asked for the recommended retail prices to be sent too and I'll compare it to what I make here at home. If it compares well, I'll tell you that, if it doesn't, I'll tell you that too. I'm not about to sell my soul for the cost of a few cleaning products.

So there it is. I'm settled and happy with my choice. Now I can just get on with it and enjoy the washing up again - staring out the window at the fading vegetable garden, watching the birds fly in and out and thinking about all of life that is there to enjoy.

Sweet slices used to be very popular in Australia. A sandwich or base of pastry with a filling, sometimes fruit or custard, sometimes something more exotic. There was a time when many Australian social gatherings featured a variety of slices and cakes and everyone had their favourite recipe. But over the years slices have gone out of fashion. You still see them at some local and many country bakeries and bakers still pride themselves on their slices. Recently I was pleased to see Fiona at Inner Pickle blog feature a slice every Wednesday. She even wrote about my favourite slice - the coconut. It's a mixture of coconut topping with raspberry jam on a pastry base. Mmmmm. If you're looking for slice recipes go no further than Inner Pickle for fine recipes and excellent photos.

Press the pastry down with your fingers. You can go over it with the base of a glass if you want to even it out. I never do, this side of the base will be covered with filling.
Use enough flour on your bench and rolling pin so the pastry doesn't stick, but don't overdo the flour. Too much at this stage will make the pastry tough.
 I cut this pastry top in two so it was easier to place. The join was smoothed over with a sharp knife. Cut the edges off the pastry if it's too big for the baking tin.
 The baked slice. You can just see where I joined the two pastry pieces together.

When you're ready to cook the slice, divide the pastry in two and put half in the base of a greased slice tin (35cm long x 20 cm wide x 4 cm deep) that is lined with baking paper. Press the pastry in with your fingers and make sure it's firm. Add the filling, then roll out the remaining pastry dough and carefully place it on the top of the filling. I often cut the top in two, it's easier to handle. This party is short so it has a tendency to crumble. The trick is to roll it out then gently roll it around the rolling pin to place it on the slice.

SLICE FILLINGS
Here are two quick and easy fillings that do well in slices and pies. If you're looking for more filling recipes, just click on the Inner Pickle link above.

PINEAPPLE SLICE FILLING

Large tin of pineapple pieces, including the juice

2 level tablespoons of cornflour

Place the pineapple pieces with juice into a saucepan. Remove about ¼ cup of the juice and mix it with the cornflour in a cup. Turn on the heat, mix the cornflour into the pineapples pieces and stir until the mixture thickens, then take off the heat and cool down a little.  

You could use any canned fruit you had on hand and just as with the pineapple filling, use the juice to mix in with the cornflour. Heat the fruit, add the cornflour and thicken, then cool.

QUICK CHEESECAKE FILLING - doesn't need cooking, will set in the fridge
375g soft cream cheese (13 oz)
1 tin condensed milk - my recipe for homemade is here
juice of 2 lemons

Mix the cream cheese with a hand beater until it's smooth. Add the condensed milk and lemon juice and mix until thoroughly combined.  Pour over an already cooked base.  Add some berry fruit for garnish - sliced strawberries or whole blueberries, and put in the fridge for about four hours,  or overnight, to set.

Newcomers to the blog have sent a few emails recently asking how to start living more simply. I wish there was a clear answer to that but the truth is that simplifying is a rubbery customer that moulds around one's life to fit it like a glove; there is no one size fits all approach.  Some of you will be coming to this like we did - you want to live well while spending little money. The fact that it's a healthier way to live, it slows you down and connects you to your family is one of its many beauties and advantages. Others will be more overtly political and want to reduce, recycle, rethink and will probably join community action groups. Others will solely see the green options a simple life affords. Some will want to declutter and be more mindful. No matter what your reasons, there will be a way of living more simply that will suit you.

I am a very practical person and when I made my change it made sense to me to not only try to be thrifty but to do that by making as much as I could at home. Not having to buy commercial products saved us a lot of money and, more importantly, gave us the opportunity to reskill ourselves so we could do everything we wanted to do. Most of us have moved so far away from the old ways of doing things that it seems at first we'll never get back to basics. But for us it's been a wonderful and enriching experience. We are just normal people so if we can do this, everyone can - in their own way and time. Remembering what our mums and grandmas did when we were growing up, Hanno and I have been able to get back to those old ways and have discovered ourselves and a rewarding life while doing it. We started by shopping in a different way, that lead to learning about food storage, enlarging the garden, adding more chooks, adding more water tanks, worm farms, composting enough to feed the garden, making soap, preserving and freezing food, sewing, mending, recycling, reusing and many other things that used to be commonly done by all our families.

There is a big difference though. We have modern equipment now and while some of these tasks are time intensive, it doesn't take as long as you would think to make a lot of the things that are commonly bought. For us, bread making is now part of our day. We make soap and cleaners far less but even making a batch of soap that will clean us for three months, only takes 30 minutes. We know exactly what we're eating and putting on our skin and that has made us healthier than we used to be. Living this way has made us happier too. There is a connection made when you work alongside someone who is concentrating on tasks that help in day-to-day living. That connection isn't there in the same way by just picking up groceries at the shop, it's the tasks themselves that make the difference. That connection has made us happier, we are both focused on daily tasks that help us live this chosen life and while we do a lot of work in our home, we have a lot of rest time too.

So what should your first steps be? Well, think carefully about your reasons for change. What do you hope to get out of this? If it's for health, start with food and cleaning products. If it's for the sake of frugality, start with shopping and cooking from scratch. If you're a crafty type or are good with your hands, stop thinking of your crafts as a hobby; they're part of the work you do in your home. In most simplified homes there is a lot of modification to be done. If you're a great seamstress, painter, carpenter, or handyman, that will add more value to you as a skilled person. Whatever you start with, learn as much as you can about what you're doing, be mindful, stop multi-tasking, and slow down. If you're working full time and want to start simplifying, start by changing things you're already doing - like the way you shop, you might start a stockpile - that will save you money and time and when it's complete, you'll wonder how you ever got by without it. You could also start cooking from scratch more, maybe do some batch cooking on the weekends, learn how to take full advantage of your slow cooker, start cleaning with vinegar and bicarb and pack lunches for everyone who goes to work and school. Start tracking your money so you know what you're spending. Stop recreational shopping. You'll find that whatever you start with will lead you on to the next thing; just starting opens up all sorts of options and possibilities.

I didn't know what was waiting for me when I changed how I live. Back then there were very few blogs and no Australian books about the kind of simple life I wanted. I made it up as I went, you can too and there is nothing stopping you making a unique life unlike all others. So read as much as you can, then take control of your own life and do it your way. Don't let anyone tell you you're not doing it right. Don't be put off by family and friends who don't understand what you're trying to do - show them. It's tough at the start, but exciting too because this lifestyle will take you from being a passive onlooker to being in the driving seat. But as your life slowly changes and you become more satisfied and focused, your own life will provide the motivation to continue.


Way back then, I didn't know I'd be more confident and content than before. I didn't know how imporant my way of life would become and that it would change me completely. I thought I was just changing how I shopped and cleaned; but it is more, so much more. Had I know what I know now, I would have changed sooner. But if you're new to this, if you're yet to take those first steps, dive right in. This is significant change you're about to embark on, it may be simple but it's also meaningful, fulfilling and heart warming. This is real life.

This is a Friday photo feature that anyone with a blog can join. To take part, post a photo on your own blog, write a short caption explaining it, and link it back to here from your blog by saying you're part of "On my mind". Please write a new post, don't link to an older one. When you've done that, come back here and add a comment below, with a link to your blog.

I made soap again yesterday and it has given me a chance to reply to an email inquiry I had about a month ago. Jenine asked: "I was just wondering if maybe you could post or even just advise me on clean up after making the soap. I was a bit paranoid of making some chemical reaction from putting the bowl that had the lye in it, in the washing up water, or if there will be any reaction from washing the mixing bowl that I mixed the solution in with any other crockery or cutlery. I just washed everything in hot soapy water? I would appreciate any advise you could give me."

Firstly, as you're making the soap, when you pour the caustic/lye water into the oils, take 30 seconds to rinse out the measuring jug. You don't want to leave a jug that has traces of caustic soda/lye in it. Just a quick rinse will fix that. Also, before you start making soap, pour some cleaning vinegar onto a rag and leave it handy. If you spill or splash any caustic soda/lye, or any raw soap, just wipe it up with the vinegar rag.

When you're filling the soap moulds, make sure you use a spatula and scrape all the soap out of your mixing pot or bowl. Scrape off the mixer, spoons and jugs too. In fact anything that has been used in the soap making process should be scraped or wiped clean before washing so not too much raw soap goes down the drain.

Clean up straight away before the soap goes hard. If you need to use a cloth to clean up, such as around the blades of the mixer, use a rag. Let the rag sit for 24 hours to make sure the soap on it has cured a bit, and add it to the washing machine in your normal wash. When it's clean and dry, it can be used again just like any other rag.

I wash up by hand, so I scrape off everything I can, then fill the sink with hot water and add a good squirt of dishwashing liquid. The raw soap is fairly greasy at this point so you'll need to use a bit more than your usual amount of dishwashing liquid to cut through the grease. Add ½ cup of cleaning vinegar to the water to help neutralise the caustic soda/lye in the raw soap. There won't be much if you've been careful along the way but the vinegar will also help the water drain away well through the drain pipes. Clean everything thoroughly, carefully removing all traces of soap and rinse well. Then let it all dry on the dish drainer.

If you use a dishwasher, scrape and wipe off all the bowls, jugs and utensils, and place them in the dishwasher on a normal cycle.

One of the ways in which we can simplify our lives is to refuse to be sucked into buying new bits and pieces. Soap making is no exception. There is no need to buy a set of mixing bowls or a new mixer just for soap making. If you thoroughly clean every thing afterwards, whatever you use in your kitchen can be used for soap making too. You're cleaning raw soap off the bowls and mixer, not anything more sinister. Stainless steel and glass don't absorb anything. A good clean is all it needs and if you're unsure about the caustic soda/lye, add vinegar to your cleaning routine to neutralise it.

The baby chicks are due to hatch today! I didn't candle the eggs half way through so I'm not sure what to expect. I will be waiting with camera ready.

I made some calendula salve to apply to some rashes we both have. Calendula is easy to grow in most gardens and gives you a beautiful sun coloured cream that will soothe and nourish damaged and inflamed skin. Calendula salve can be made in different ways, this is how I do it.

• A cup of fresh or dried calendula petals that haven't been sprayed with anything and have been organically grown.
• 1 cup olive oil
• ¼ cup melted beeswax
• Emu oil or vitamin E oil are optional.

• The next day add them to a jar that you can seal with a lid.
• Pour in a cup of olive oil.
• Put the jar out in the sunshine for about two weeks. This solarises the mix and gently extracts healing properties from the calendula as the oil gently heats up every day.

• When the oil has been sitting in the sun for two weeks, take the jar inside and strain the oil, removing the petals. You can use either cheesecloth or a fine wire strainer. 
• Press the petals with the back of a spoon to release all the oil. Stand the jar in a container of hot water to heat the oil slightly so it will mix well with the hot wax.

• In a double saucepan, melt the beeswax, allow it to cool down a little then add it to the oil. If you want to add vitamin E or emu oil, do it now. I add a small amount of emu oil because unlike most other oils, it helps the salve penetrate into the lower layers of skin.

• I like to emulsify my salve. It lightens the colour and completely mixes the oils with the wax. Use a stick blender to do this - just 5 seconds should do the job well.

• Pour into a sterilised jar and seal. I store this in the fridge. It will keep for at least a year.

Calendula salve is useful for rashes, nappy/diaper rash, inflamed skin, mild eczema, sunburn, burns, insect bites and probably many other things I haven't tried it on. I rub it into my hands when I've been using it elsewhere and my hands are lovely and soft at the moment. Making these simple salves helps provide good quality skin care that you can safely use on the family. You know exactly what's in them and they cost a tiny fraction of what you'd pay to buy something similar.

We plod along most years planting the same varieties of vegetables that worked for us in previous seasons. We've been growing vegetables for a long time now, we used to chop and change but as the years went by we established a set of reliable growers that stood us in good stead. But every so often, we explode into spontaneity again and try something different, new open pollinated seeds. Sometimes it works well and that plant will be added to our permanent rotation list, most of the time our experiment isn't as good in our conditions as what we're already using and after that season it's forgotten.

Not this year though. This year we tried a few new varieties of tomatoes and some new (to us) radishes. This year we met St Pierre tomatoes and Easter Egg radishes for the first time and they've won us over, completely.

St Pierre is a French heirloom tomato and has pushed the pink Brandywine off top perch as our favourite tomato.  Sorry Brandywine, I was yours for many years, now my heart belongs to another.

We usually grow Daikons and French breakfast radishes and although we'll keep growing the Daikons, Easter Egg radishes have replaced French breakfast for us. They have such vibrant colours - red, purple, white and pink. They're crisp and tasty and not too hot; ideal for a touch of crispy heat and crazy colour in a salad. 

Both these vegetables are open pollinated varieties so I've already saved seeds from the St Pierre; they're now fermenting in water in the kitchen. Soon I'll clean them, let them dry out completely, then save them for sowing next year. The radishes are starting to flower now, soon I'll collect their seeds and store them in the fridge, along with other collected seeds for next year's planting.

There are several reasons to sow open pollinated seeds (also known as heirloom seeds). Every year they grow in your backyard, they change slightly to suit your conditions, and when you have the vegetables growing you won't have to buy new seeds again. You can collect seeds from hybrid vegetables but it's a waste of time because they won't reproduce true to the parent plant. If you do this right, you'll buy seeds once, after that you save seeds, only buying again if you add a new vegetable or variety or your crop fails.

Seeds are such a valuable commodity. Whoever controls seeds controls the world's food production. We must keep these heirloom seeds going. If you can do this in your own backyard, you'll help keep those seeds viable and productive and you'll be much more self-reliant. I could go on and on about how the big seed companies are manipulating seeds but that would be a waste of my time and yours. I prefer instead to actually do something myself. When we decided all those years ago to grow open pollinated seeds and to save them year after year, it was a deliberate act of a radical backyard grower. I might not be able to influence the big seed companies but I can choose to plant heirloom vegetables; that means something. The only reason we have these seeds still here with us today is that many generations before us knew the value of seeds and made the effort to pass them on to us. I don't want all that care and effort to die out in my generation and I want tasty vegetables - therefore I grow open pollinated seeds.

Of course it's easier to buy hybrid seeds, they're in almost every supermarket and hardware store. But now we have all been empowered by the internet, not only can I write this for you to read in your far-off corner of the world today, but it's given us ways of connecting to traders of open pollinated/heirloom seeds. If you google "open pollinated seeds" in your State or country, you'll be surprised at the number of small vendors who pop up. Most of them sell exclusively online so all you have to do is to email for a catalogue or view it online, then order your seeds. It will cost you about the same to set yourself up with open pollinated seeds but if you do it right, you'll only outlay that expense once and you'll have your own repository of seeds to sow and save, and to pass on to your children and grandchildren.

I believe it's worth the effort, I hope you do too.

Last week I received an email from a reader who asked about working parents. She has three children, she and her husband both work (her husband has two jobs) and she wonders if that might be harming her children because she's still at work when they come home from school. Her cousin, who lives near by, picks them up when she collects her own children and they all play at the cousin's house until she picks them up. She said she wants to be a good role model for her children but she has to keep working for another two years - until they have some credit card debt paid off and have made some head way into paying off their mortgage.  I asked if it was okay to reply here and she was happy to share her story with you.

From the details I have it looks to me like "Emma" and her husband are doing a good job recovering from a spending spree. Emma was a full-time homemaker and they got themselves into debt when they moved into their new house. They bought appliances they couldn't afford, put it all on their credit cards and took on the shop finance offer for a house full of furniture. They got to the stage when one wage wasn't making any headway into their debt, they fell behind and it looked like they might lose the house. But they regrouped, he got a second job, Emma went back to her old job and slowly they're recovering. They're making laundry liquid, cooking from scratch, stockpiling and they've cut back a lot. It's taken seven years to get to this point.

Emma, I have always believed that the people who are the most inspiring role models are those who think about what is important to them and who live to those values everyday. You're both doing that. You've provided a home for your children, you've organised safe and secure care for them when you're not there, you're paying off your debts responsibly, and you're looking to the future when you can be the mother you said you want to be - at home with the children and able to help at their school occasionally. You said in your email you started reading my blog about a year ago and you had already regretted going into debt to furnish your home but didn't know how else you could have done it. Now you do, now you wish you'd used second-hand furniture and appliances until you could afford new.

We all know the perfect path to take in hindsight. The real tragedy is not learning from mistakes made. You've done that learning and it's a credit to you both that you recovered so well and will soon be back on your feet again. 

All the while you've been doing that, your children have been watching. You said you told them why you're working, and as they grow to understand the full implications of that they'll be better for it, not deprived. They will grow up knowing their parents worked hard to give them a good home. Me and my sister had that upbringing too, many children do. There are many close and loving families who have to have both parents out working but who come together in the evening and reconnect. These are the times when it's important to sit around the kitchen table, eat together, and ask about what happened to everyone during the day. If you can do that, if you can make that important connection every day, the children will be better for it; you and your husband will be too. It doesn't matter that you're not there when they finish school. What matters is that you've provided a safe place and a trusted person for them to be with and that you're there every day, exactly as you said you would be, to pick them up and take them home. Children need routine and stability and although you're not there when they finish school you've found a way around it and to provide that stability in a safe environment.

Despite what you see on TV, there are few "perfect" homes where mum is waiting with hot biscuits and milk when the children come home from school. We all do what we have to do to get by, which is exactly what you're doing. Don't feel guilty for that, it's a fine example and it's showing your children how to handle the complexities of life. Just know you're doing what you have to do by working, and when you're with the children, make the most of it. Not by giving them gifts or letting them run riot, but by listening, talking, reading and playing with them. Let them help you around the house. Give them tasks that will lighten your load and help build in them a helping attitude. Small tasks like keeping their rooms tidy, setting the table, taking out the rubbish, putting their clean laundry away, feeding the pets - these kind of things will help all of you. Suggest to them they ask dad if there is anything they can do for him too. He's working two jobs and he might have some small tasks for them.

You said in your email you feel you've let your children down and that you should be at home with them. Well I think you've reacted to life. You've been realistic, you've stood up and owned your problems and you've worked out a plan to do something about it. You've taken control of your lives instead of being flattened by the debt. In the process, you've shown your children how to live when things don't go according to plan. I doubt your children have been harmed by you working. I think you should be very proud of yourselves and I hope that when you leave work again you continue to live true to your simple values, even when you don't "have" to.

The Australian Koala Foundation (AKF) is asking everyone to help save the koala by adopting their very own. 

CEO of the Australian Koala Foundation Deborah Tabart OAM said she encourages everyone to adopt a koala through the AKF’s Adopt-A-Koala program. 

“A koala is a perfect gift for any occasion and is a rewarding way to help save the koala”, said Ms Tabart. 

The AKF estimates there are only 80 000 with potentially as few as 40 000, koalas left in the wild 

“It would be heartbreaking if international visitors and indeed Australians could no longer experience the thrill of seeing a koala in the wild” Ms Tabart said.

Koalas on the Australian Koala Foundation’s Adopt-a-Koala program live in sanctuaries around Australia and all proceeds from their adoptions go towards saving their wild cousins and preserving their natural habitat. 

‘Adoptive parents’ receive a certificate and a photo of their koala, find out more at www.savethekoala.com

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We went to visit the family yesterday and had a lovely time on the Gold Coast. It's such a busy place and a big contrast to where we live, but although we were close to shops and department stores, and drove by Ikea, we didn't enter, we concentrated on the family. It was easy to do. We passed by so many people shopping, it reminded me  how easy it is to get sucked in by expectations and be left with unnecessary bills to face in the new year. I have been there.

We called in to see Shane, Sarndra and Alexander in their new flat. They moved last weekend and have found a modern and spacious new home in a quiet neighbourhood. Alex has grown so much. He smiles and his whole face lights up, he's a real charmer. Unfortunately, Shane had to go to work and Sarndra was still busy unpacking so we left them after a short time and went to Kerry and Sunny's. We made plans to get together over the holidays.

Jamie has grown a lot too and no doubt will be walking soon. He wasn't quite sure of us when we walked in but soon he was smiling and his usual happy self. Sunny prepared a delicious lunch of Korean BBQ. She had a meat plate with beef and thinly sliced pork belly and vegetable platters with cabbage, cucumbers, onion, bok choy, radishes, sesame leaves and kimchi. We all had our own little seasoning containers with salt, pepper and sesame oil. So we sat around the table, talking, while the Korean BBQ in the centre cooked the meat. The meat is cut in small pieces so we all used the sesame leaves and cabbage to make little mixed rolls of meat and vegetables. It really was delicious. Jamie sat between Sunny and me in his high chair - eating sweet potato, playing with sweet potato and dropping sweet potato. Hmmmm, just like his father used to do.

 Jamie was looking at Hanno in this photo.

After lunch we all walked across the road to a park and playground on the water's edge. Families, teenagers and little children were swimming and playing. Dads and their kids were playing on the flying fox and little bikes attached to a steel track like a railway line. Kids were swinging, a couple of dads were fishing and there were a few picnics. It was such a contrast to the shopping madness just a short distance away. All of this was free - the kids were having a lot of fun, it just needed a commitment to go there and play.

On the way home I thought about that scene in the park and the shopping crowds we passed on the way home. On the one hand there were families connected, playing and enjoying themselves in the park - all free; and then there were rushing shoppers spending money. I wished there was more of one and less of the other and I wondered why some families spend time and some spend money. But I guess if I knew the answer to that or how to fix it, we have a lot more happy people.

And as we drove home, three familiar things popped into my head that I have just now put words to:

Start early

Organising yourself will help you get through all those extra tasks you have around the holiday period. Start your planning early so you have enough time to hand-make some of your gifts or search for perfect gifts at the right price. One gift per person is enough. The things they call stocking stuffers are unnecessary. Work out what you'll be eating and drinking over the holidays so you can start drinks fermenting and get your baking done. The freezer is your friend at Christmas.

Find balance

Now is the time of year when people start to wind down. If you aren't doing that, work out ways to give yourself some time off - no matter what work you do, this is important. It's okay to say no to invitations. Concentrate on your family and friends at this time of year. Draw everyone close, smile, offer hospitality, take photos, play, read, reminisce, talk about your future plans, ask others about theirs. All these simple things bring families together.

Keep it simple

Well organised, simple family gatherings are a joy at Christmas time. If you're having a large gathering, ask everyone to bring a plate. No one minds doing that, in fact most people love being asked. And when it comes to gifts, keep it simple. No one needs elaborate gifts, no one needs a lot of gifts. If your children are still young, don't create an expectation in them that Christmas is the time when they get whatever they want. All children really need is love,  a good education and a fine family; all they really want is to be loved and to spend time with the people they love. It's fine to pepper that with small gifts but it hurts the family, and the child in the long run, if you go into debt to give expensive gifts. It also creates an unrealistic expectation - for everyone.

It doesn't take much to step back from the holiday craziness and watch it from the sidelines.

Today is the first day of summer in Australia. It's also the first day of the first Test cricket match. I have my knitting ready. Today I'll be parked up in front of the TV relaxing, fan on, ice cubes clinking. I am not sure what your pleasures are but I hope you have some of them in your life today.