Building family relationships

As many of you know, our family is going through a renewal at the moment.  Both my parents and Hanno's have died, we are getting older and now, happily, our children are having their babies. Times marches on. There is nothing more important to me than being surrounded by a happy, productive and inclusive family. It makes the future seem brighter, it makes me feel strong and resilient and I can be my best when I feel content and the family is happy.

My sister Tricia with baby Jamie.

Of course, I'm not saying that every single day goes according to plan and that everyone always agrees with everyone else; that would be untruthful, and maybe just a bit boring and unrealistic. But the kind of family life I work towards is for us all to celebrate our diversity and be supportive of our differing aspirations, while the family remains united. If we do that most of the time, our lives together will be enriched by the times we spend together and we will stay connected.

But this is an ever-evolving process that needs work, particularly now that our roles are changing - our children and their partners are becoming parents and Hanno and I are becoming grandparents, in addition to being parents. Change tends to mix it up a bit. One of the things I always do is to try and think outside myself and to put myself in the shoes of my DILs. I was in awe of my MIL, she was a strong woman and we didn't speak the same language. There was affection there but I doubt there was love. I only knew her for a couple of years before she died, but I like to think that had we spent more time together, we would have been much closer. And I guess that is why I often focus on my relationships with my girls. I want to love them because my sons love them but I also want to love them because I just can't help it. I want them to love me too.  And I think that has happened.

With the family as a whole it's difficult sometimes and very easy at others. I am at the point of my life when I believe most of my teaching about values, truth, respect and loyalty has been done and, happily, I see the fruits of that earlier work often played out before me. What I'm doing now is being quieter and just living true to my values. I give advice only when asked for it, I presume everyone knows right from wrong and that given a chance and a bit of time, they'll work out a solution based on their values and fine-tuned to suit their unique needs.

My way isn't the only way. I've stopped telling. 

I'm always thinking about ways to strengthen our family and now that we have babies arriving I want to start a new tradition. I've asked everyone and they love the idea. When it is not as cold but not too hot, we're going to have a family preserving day. We're all going to buy boxes of cheap fruit or vegetables, save our old jars and spend a full day together making jams, sauces and kimchee. There will be a big lunch served and everyone will go home with good quality food in jars for the coming months. In future years we might make elderberry wine or ginger beer or sourdough or cheese - all to be shared and taken to our various homes. As the children grow, they'll learn these skills and, I hope many years from now, will pass them on to their children. It will be a family preserving day in more ways than one.

So what happens now, do we all say "well done, we nailed that" and be done with it? No, we are a family that will evolve over time and now we have babies to nurture. This is ongoing work. Sometimes it will be easy to love each other, sometimes it will be harder. But we always have to remember our love and strength, talk about it, show it, be there when we should be and gone at other times, and take each day as it comes. We are people living in difficult times and that will test our family unit, but because we're so close, I can't imagine much we won't get through.

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